There are so many things in the past that I still hang on to. Times I’ve been let down and disappointed, times I’ve been hurt. A lot of painful things are very fresh for me.

I am struggling through every day at the moment. I struggle to make good choices, I struggle to lose weight, I am struggling full stop. My efforts are not consistent enough and my numbers reflect that. It’s taken a long time to reach my 50lb milestone and I’m angry about it. Trouble is I have no idea how to deal with anger. I’ve repressed anger so many times and for so long, I remember saying a while back that I don’t really get angry ever. I get sad. When I get angry I binge more than any other time to push it all away.

On Tuesday, when I got frustrated at boot camp because I couldn’t run I boxed the shit out of the pads and it felt good. So I’m looking at investing in some boxing stuff and when I get angry I need to express it. I need to not push it down as ugly and unjustified, I need to get it out. The trouble is, very often, my anger is justified, but because I’m angry with people I love I feel I can’t express it, well maybe I won’t be expressing it to them but I need to find a way to express it.

This is all coming out a bit jumbled, I’m sorry if it doesn’t make much sense but some things are very raw to me right now. I hate being angry with people I love and during an argument with the Man the other night it began to occur to us both how angry I am about having to put so much effort in to my life right now. Losing weight really does feel like a second job and I’m so tired. I can’t seem to get a hold of things long enough to make any real dent in my weight. I feel like the world around me finds it so much easier. I’m sure that’s not true but it’s hard looking in on things you aren’t part of.

I’m angry that no one asked me if I was ok, or why I was sad, when my life was imploding with depression, and my marriage was struggling I self medicated with ice cream and cakes and food that made my body spread to the size that I topped out at. I am sad that I got that big and that now I have to struggle every single day to get back to a healthy state. I feel like I’m having to work so hard at something that should never have happened. No one saved me from myself.

Thing is I realise that really the only people we can rely on are ourselves. That scares me because I don’t trust myself. I know. I sounds like a whining baby. I can’t seem to let go of the resentment that I’m in this situation and the trouble with that is that it’s firmly aimed at myself. I had no control over the other people in my life, I can control how I react and how I respond.

]]> http://weightwars.co.uk/2012/05/in-the-beginning/feed/ 4 http://weightwars.co.uk/2012/05/never-ever-give-up-or-get-told-no/ http://weightwars.co.uk/2012/05/never-ever-give-up-or-get-told-no/#comments Thu, 17 May 2012 07:00:19 +0000 WeightWars http://weightwars.co.uk/?p=5202 Continue reading →]]> This has been floating around the blogosphere and facebook and twitter a lot recently, but if you haven’t seen it, get comfy for 5 minutes and watch it all the way through. It’s put a lot of things in to a great perspective for me recently.

So these muffins are super easy to make and they taste gorgeous, I mean seriously, I had to really control myself to stop at two of them.

Pre heat your oven to 175C/350F/Gas4

So you will need (to make 6):

2 medium apples, chopped small
Handful of Raisins
Cinnamon, 2 tbsp
Water, 3 tbsp
Butter, 3 tbsp

Coconut Oil, 40g
Eggs, 4 regular
Vanilla, 2 tsps
Bicarb of Soda, 1/2 tsp
Coconut Flour, 25g

So first of all you plop your butter in to a heavy bottomed pans and start to melt it down over a medium to high heat. Once it’s all liquid take your chopped apples, Raisins and a tablespoon of cinnamon. Keep cooking on a medium high heat until you get a slightly thicker, browner mixture. Add your 4 tbsps of water one by one, expect smoke. Turn off the heat and let it cool a little.

In a bowl start to add together the eggs and vanilla. Melt your coconut oil down and add it to the egg and vanilla mix. You have to ensure the coconut oil remains liquid! Whisk it up until it’s well mixed.

Add the rest of your cinnamon (1 tbsp), Bicarb, and lastly the coconut flour to the wet mix, again mix it well until it’s smooth. Then add in your lovely appley buttery mix to the batter and give it a good stir.

Grease a muffin tin with the oil/butter of your choice or use paper cups and pop them in the oven for 25 minutes. A skewer will come out clean when they are cooked.

Calorie wise they are a treat but they are deliciousness encapsulated in little paper cups.

I always said that to celebrate 50lbs lost I would have a Tattoo to celebrate. I have a tattoo on my  left shoulder blade from a long time a go, simple 3 stars and my sons birth date. It’s not my favourite piece of art but it does mean a lot to me, it represents the two children that I carried for a too short time before I was able to carry my son to birth. I had them done during an emotional time in my life and I will always love them.

On Saturday the Man and I entered a friends tattoo studio and didn’t come out for nearly 5 hours! Mine was super quick once we’d decided exactly where it was going to go and how it was going to be, 20 minutes of minor scratching pain and we were done. I went with this because it’s truly become my motto in life and if you have seen the new header for the blog it’s a big part of how I carry on day in day out.

So today I had this added to my body

Now tattoos aren’t everyone’s bag, I get it, but I love mine so I’m going to talk about it .

The pain was nothing, it didn’t compare to my back one at all, it was quick, only took around 20 minutes to complete and it barely raced a wince. I think I’d like to add a little heart under or over the writing and I’m already planning my next one for the other wrist as I was so shocked at how little it bothered me. The adrenaline was pumping and it went quickly. I’d really love a really classic swallow, just a little one, or a dandelion clock around my wrist which could be very cool.

I have a whole board on pinterest dedicated to my inking lust some of my favourite ones on there right now are

The man. Well he had a four hour sitting. FOUR HOURS. With a couple of toilet breaks and that is it pretty much. He did so well only really suffering with the pain in the last twenty minutes or so which was shading over already inked areas. There is only so much he can take. We are so pleased with the result, it’s a dragon which is taken, in part, from the mans Ju Jitsu badge and is a traditional Japanese dragon. I think it’s pretty cool and he’s pretty much a he-man for sitting through it all.

Outline Done

 It’s an amazing work isn’t it? It means much more than I can explain here, it’s a transition for the man too, have I mentioned that he’s lost nearly 20 lbs and dropped two trouser sizes recently? He’s Paleo too and he’s started joining me at boot camp as well as 4 hours of Ju Jitsu a week (when his toe stops dislocating). He’s doing so well, and I’m so proud of him.

Are you into tattoos? Do you have Ink? What do you think? 

We had to walk 2 miles, which is 3.2 kms and we did a bit over that but it was such a beautiful day we waited to turn around until we hit a cool place to do it.

We headed out to my favourite woodland place which looks flat but isn’t! It’s a lovely place to walk any day but today there was something special about it because it was so sunny and beautiful.

I loved how luscious the area was, we’ve had some odd weather recently it swings from cold and wet to warm and sunny so the plants are loving it. Everything is so green and delicious. I was so happy out and about with my guys.

And er. I hate to do this. You know I do. But. Those legs. They belong to me! I can’t quite believe how good they look in this picture, plus those jeans were 3/4 skinny jeans when I bought them and are now getting baggy!

We spotted a tonne of wildlife too, butterflies, dragonflies, and lady bugs not to mention the numerous dogs being walked.

Charlie had a little bag to collect treasures in and he actually made it through the whole walk without a carry which is pretty much a record for him I think. He loved running about in the sunshine.

Then we saw a steam train setting off which was so great for Charlie, he was really excited to see and smell it as it pulled away from the station above us.

All in all we were so pleased that I took part in the event,  it was so lovely to get outside and I wonder if we would have done if we didn’t have this to do. In other news my foot aches now but I managed all that walking on it and I even ran a little too (chasing the small boy) and so I’m going to attempt a gentle run today!! Will let you know how it goes.

Do you get outdoors when it’s nice? 

Mini Goals

Log food on MFP every single day honestly and accurately.

I’ve done awesome this week at this. I may not have had the most perfect food week but I’ve logged everything completely honestly. It doesn’t reassure me 100% that I’m seeing a downward trend in the scale but a lot of things there play havoc with that.

It’s been up and down calorie wise but all on plan. Obs it’s Sunday morning now so today isn’t filled in.

Enter two more races to make up for the ones that I’ll miss this and next week.

Done and Done. I’ve signed up for the virtual Westminster Women’s Classic which is a 2 mile walk today which I’m hoping will get me moving again even on my crutch, and The British 10k which I ran last year and can’t wait to do again. How quick I’ll be I have no idea, I only have a few weeks to train so what will happen will happen! I’m still looking for another 5k but it’s not important right now.

My foot is getting better steadily which is good, I see progress pretty much everyday the bruising is fading and the swelling has gone down considerably, I can walk short distances unaided and only use one stick for longer walks which is so much better than being completely immobile!

Work my upper body and do foot free exercises at home

I got on with it and managed to do pretty great here. I’m doing the 100 push ups programme and while I wanted to do the 200 sit ups programme my dodgy pelvis doesn’t allow sit ups but I am doing ball twists instead to the same routine. The man is doing both routines as well so we are keeping each other going, I’ve loved the plan so far and the little app to go with the routines is really cool for keeping track of things. I’m doing the push ups on my knees at the moment to take the pressure off my toes and I’m likely to keep going that way too and then start again at the end of the programme on my toes. We’ve just started doing 200 squats and 150 dips too.

Say hi to Boot Camp people & contact Exeter Leukaemia Fund and Antony Nolan re: Missed Runs

I’ve emailed to say hi and explain that I’m not crying off I just can’t run! The Man dislocated his toe AGAIN during Ju Jitsu so it’s clearly not healed up properly from the week before. We are going to strap it up next time! It meant we cried off Thursdays boot camp as well. I feel awful starting something and then dropping out so fast but I’ve genuinely had no choice.

In regards to the runs I’ve contacted both Charities and let them know that I wasn’t running last weekend or this weekend and they’ve been great. I’m still fundraising ALL year so there are loads of different things I can do to raise money for them.

Work on Fundraising Ideas. 

I’m totally on this, more to follow in the blog but if you fancy sponsoring me or getting involved check out my fundraising page.

I will be having a raffle giveaway soon too with some fantastic prizes donated by some lovely companies so watch this space! I’m going to post about the other fundraising things going on !

So overall I’m pretty happy with my progress this week. 

My mini goals for this week are

Keep logging honestly and accurately.
Try another Paleo recipe.
Do a boot camp class.
Do mini workouts at home every single day.
Try and Run. 

My overall goal list expanded last week so this is what’s left:

Weigh in once a month.
Be in the 220′s by the end week of the challenge.
I don’t want to gain weight while I’m injured.
I’d like to keep recognising my Non Scale Victories on the window.
I would like to knock some time off my start of the year 5k time. (As long as my foot has been healed).
I want to reach week 3 of the Couch to 5k Programme as it’s written.
I would like to complete two boot camp classes a week.
Continue with Paleo and be strict with myself.
Try one new Paleo recipe a week.
Eat Dinner at the Table 5 Times a Week.

If You Eat Out, Make Good, On Plan, Choices. 
Recognise and Acknowledge Your NSV.
Plan and track your exercise using Polar Personal Trainer.
Complete at least 5 weeks of your training plan
Start the 100 sit ups and 100 push ups training plans, complete 3 times a week minimum.
Create your fit folder and keep it up to date!
Take the relevant steps to prepare for Paleo
Stick to Paleo for the 30 day challenge
Quit Diet Coke in the House

I love these for breakfast and because you can freeze them nothing goes to waste. If you make too much you can freeze  the left overs in little baggies and then heat them up for a super quick breakfast on the run. The best thing is this is just the basic idea for you, you can add to them pretty much anything that is able to be cooked.

So this is how I made them but you do whatever you like!

Ingredients

Bacon
4 Eggs (for around 6 bites)
Mushrooms
Tomatoes

You will also need a muffin tin of some kind, I like silicone one because you can pop the treats out easily without having to grease the tray. I’m just lazy like that though.

Instructions

Pre Heat your oven to around 180C.

Fry your ingredients in a little oil (my preference is coconut oil), make sure they are cooked through if you are using meat particularly.

Whisk the eggs up until frothy – this gives a really nice texture, if you haven’t got a whisk then just use a fork and make sure the eggs are well mixed and no longer separated.

Once you have everything ready pour the eggs mixture in to the muffin tin until each cup is around half full then add in your other ingredients, be careful to leave a little space to allow the eggs to expand.

Pop them in the oven for around 20 minutes or until it’s clear that they are cooked through (pop a skewer through them if it comes out clean they are cooked).

Pop them out on to a tray and scoff them while hot!

So I went and signed up for The British 10k again. This year it’s sponsored by Nike and they have a fancy new web site which looks lovely and has a tonne of information.

Realistically I’m not going to make great time or anything the race is in 2 months! I’m probably not going to be able to properly train for at least another couples of weeks but it’s giving me something to get back on my feet for too. Even if I walk it though, it’s 2 hours max of working out and then you get a huge amount of swag with it too because it’s the 12th anniversary 10k in 2012 which is not only the year we have the Olympics in London it’s the Queens Jubilee. Check out all this stuff!

So one of the best things for me about the British 10k is the route it follows. It’s an amazing route. I’m not a Londoner, I’m pretty far away in fact, so seeing all the tourist stuff is really great for me. You get to run past

Yep that’s Wellington Arch, Piccadilly, Buckingham Palace, Pall Mall, Trafalgar Square, The Embankment, St Pauls, Tate Modern, London Eye, Big Ben, Westminster Bridge, Victoria Street and Whitehall. Pretty much a full Monopoly board right there which gives me something to look at through the sweat!

I’d love to beat last years time but I’m pretty sure I won’t with such a short period of time to train, that said my foot is healing up well I hope I can get running within two weeks. I’m going to watch boot camp this week and hopefully next week I’ll be able to get involved again. I think it will be great running training as well as general fitness. Until then I have been trying to get on track with my diet. It’s been a tough few days coming down off the bingeing high (and bloat) but I think I’m finally getting there. Watch this space, I hope by the end of the month I can at least of maintained my weight given the injury. Am so looking forward to the little Sunday walk I’ll be having this week, crutches and all, for the Westminster Womens Classic 2 mile cake walk. This is making up for the fact that I’ll be in no fit shape to run the superhero 5k which I’m totally bummed about.

Plans for my 50lbs celebration tattoo are well under way. You’ll see it soon enough as it’s all designed and booked in.

Have a fabulous day…What event or milestone are you most excited for for 2012? 

Dear Rebecca,

You’ve really grown to love your name haven’t you? It’s funny you hated how formal it seemed growing up but you use it to introduce yourself to people now. Weird that you’d start a letter to yourself that way though. I guess it’s relevant,  you’ve grown in to a lot of things about yourself that you once felt derisive about.

You sat and wrote this letter to yourself five years ago, you were laid up at the time with your foot fractured after a stupid accident, you wrote this on the day that you were supposed to be running The Great West Run. You are filled with frustration and sadness about missing the run. For once you felt ready for it. You’d trained hard and your boot camp sessions were paying off, you felt strong and fit. Remember how you felt before that accident and forget about the dark days afterwards. That feeling before the fall means everything to you and you feel at peace with the world when you feel like that. Like you are able to cope with anything. Make sure you keep feeling like that. You are happy.

I write this imagining that you are at a healthy weight, you are fit and strong and the numbers on the scale reflect that healthiness. You can be healthy at any weight but I want the outside to reflect the inside. I hope that the plans you have made recently have come true. If by some twist of fate you’ve lost your drive or some things have happened and you’ve lost sight of where you have come from read your blog. Read about how amazing you felt when you lost 50lbs. All the things that you celebrated about that & how much you’ve changed your life. Think about the changes your Man and your Boy have made too. Think about the sense of pride and the happiness you had in your life when you wrote this letter.

Rebecca, remember to be happy, remember what REALLY makes you happy, and I hope you are somewhere sunny so you can be outdoors more than you are indoors. Most of all remember that there is so much that you have to be proud of about yourself. Care for your body, care for your mind and the rest will follow. 

Dear Becky,

There are a number of things that I wish you’d known from an early age, I’m writing this letter to you to let you know them and hopefully you can share the wisdom that you’ve learnt too.

You are beautiful. It doesn’t matter what that girl said about you, how she hurt you or why, she has her own stuff going on and believe me the lashing out at you has nothing to do with you. It’s a matter of science that it’s all about her. And those women around you, the ones that look so beautiful to you, the ones you love dearly, that are all on a diet? That’s about them too, it’s about a world which puts demands on women with lies and trickery. Those women who you think are beautiful and they think should be on a diet? You are right. They don’t need to be on a diet and nor do you. Boobs won’t make you happy nor will being a size 8.

Some people will try and knock down things that you are confident about. They don’t understand it or they just don’t like themselves as much as you do. They might be friends they might not be. Pity them, be kind to them, one day they will realise what it is that makes them unhappy and once again, it’s not about you at all.

Your body is going to change so much over the next 10 years. No matter what you do your shape will change not because you are too fat, or obese, but because you are becoming one of those beautiful women you love. Stop focusing on things about yourself that you can criticise, there are millions of people in the world who will do that for you in your lifetime, focus on the things you love about yourself. How loyal you are, how much you care for your friends and family, think about how you’ve kept some secrets and how you are kind to everyone. Don’t bitch and don’t run about with girls who do, what they say to you about other people is nothing compared to what they will say about you to other other.

Embrace what makes you happy and feel free to leave behind what doesn’t. Even if it means that you’ll be alone you’ll be happier, even if it’s letting go something that you think makes you special, if it doesn’t make you happy then it doesn’t belong in your life. Trust yourself. You can survive without being part of a clique. You try to please others and you’ll lose yourself.

Most of all. Life does get better. Do what you want to do and be who you are and you’ll attract people who love you because of who you are and what you do.