I had a rough week last week, it was difficult for so many reasons, I spent a lot of time thinking about why I binged and why I couldn’t control it, the man and I rowed about it, and I spent a sleepless night going over it.
I’ve started something new, something really challenging so of course I’ve freaked out completely and proved to myself that I can’t handle it. Only I can. I have coped with far worst, more pressure, more stress. I love what I’m doing which is why I’m so important to me. It’s the start of a change in my professional career which has been on hold for so long so that I could be a mother, regain myself and start to shed the excess baggage I was carrying.
I thought some pretty hateful things about myself this week, that I wasn’t smart, that I wasn’t beautiful, that I wasn’t capable, that I was still too fat, that I looked disgusting, that I would never have real friends there. The thoughts of doubt crept in and they crippled me, they took me back to being 55lbs heavier, depressed and trapped. I’m not those things any more. I will not let my past dictate who I am now.
So I went out and I found myself a healthy focus amid a relaxed weekend of wine, dinner and snacks. I entered a 5k race as part of a team, then I went and entered a Triathlon ! I know. A sprint one, 750m swim, 20km cycle and a 5k run. I’m scared but also seriously excited. It’s in an amazing place – my home county!
That ^ is where I will be swimming. Amazing right!? There are some great bits of information on the website and if any of you fancy having a go it’s a full festival weekend. The man is doing a 100km cycle with 888m of climbing! We have to put in some serious training over the next few months ! As you can imagine there is already a post it note chart counting down the 52 weeks of training to our big events!
So today is where I end it. Enough is enough. I’ve been abusing my body for weeks now with food and I’ve been telling myself that I can’t do it because of it. I’ve faced so many challenges over the years and I’ve survived them all so I can do this. I said to the man the other day that I want to look like an athlete that weekend. I can see it and now I want it. It scares me setting that kind of goal right now but I really need to knuckle down and just get the hell on with it. No Excuses. No binges. One day at a time.
I’m going back to weighing every week and only once a week, I found before the longer I left it the better I did. I’m starting today and I’ll weigh in on a Tuesday every week, it should keep me on the straight and narrow. I’ve been disappointed with the last few months weigh in’s, I’m stuck once again, I get down I go back up again, again and again and again. I am leaving my food diary open and I will fill it in honestly and fully. I promise. I may need your help, I may need reminders that junk food will not fill me up where I need it and I am not disgusting because I ate McDonalds.