Down and Out

This week has been a whirlwind of a new job, with a crazy schedule, with an unsettled child experiencing a change in circumstances who has mysteriously had a headache, stomach ache and has managed to fall down the stairs in the last week. I’ve also had immunisations which have made me feel like a train has hit me and I’ve been feeling massively at sea.

Feeling so scared and out of my depth today I sank in to paranoia and insecurity. The strength of the feelings really overtook me and I fell. Really hard. For the first time in months and months and months I ordered pizza. I devoured it. Then I felt regret. Then I felt sick. Then I felt the urge to purge. I didn’t though.

All of this has really scared me. I was shocked at myself. I’ve not felt these feelings for a long long time, I would guess around 8 months.

It’s taken me a long time to really get to grips with the fact that I am recovering from the second eating disorder of my lifetime and that the feelings that trigger the disorder are the same as those that I felt a long time ago. I tried so hard to resist it, I walked 2 km and more, I kept busy, I did what I could but in the end it came.

So I’m giving myself a kind weekend,  to recover, eat better and re focus myself. To purge myself of these feelings of stress and paranoia and to start to see the value in myself again. I’ll see you on Monday for Get Fit, Feel Epic again, I’ll assess the scale on Monday too. I doubt it will be pretty. On Monday, I’ll be logging, I’ll be working out when I can exercise, I’ll be trying to remember this too.

5 thoughts on “Down and Out

  1. Hooray for treating yourself to a kind and pampering weekend rather than beating yourself up over one pizza. It was just ONE pizza, and you recognised exactly why you ordered it.

    Just like one swallow doesn’t make a summer, one pizza doesn’t undo everything you have fought for and achieved.

    Enjoy your weekend, you deserve it after working so hard all week. I hope your boys spoil you and help you feel awesome again.

    xx

  2. It’s ok. It was ONE day. You’ve been doing a great job, so focus on your successes, your strengths, and the way you feel after you’ve completed a great workout. I, too, go through those battles. Some days one minute at a time is all that’s possible, but that’s ok. Just know that you have the strength to get through this and move forward. You are a warrior! Fight! *hugs*

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