All is Ok

I spent a lot of time thinking about my recent bingeing that I confessed back in my Binge City post on Tuesday. It was hard to admit if I’m totally honest. It’s been a long time since I’ve been in the pits of an emotional binge and I’m not sure I’m totally past it now even but I’m a lot lot better.

I started talking with the man as we drove down to Wadebridge to do some cycling on a trail, the more I talked the more I started getting to the heart of the matter. I don’t feel good enough. I’ve not been in the workplace for nearly 3 years now, I’m terrified. My last job was difficult and I never felt quite good enough at it, guidance wasn’t limited as such but I never really felt I “got it”. I loved what I did though and would happily do it again I think (my job was axed when our government changed). So I’ve been at home with my child, slowly sorting out my life, I found myself a single parent for a time, we rebuilt our relationship, I rebuilt my self esteem and I started losing the weight. When I lost my job, I looked like this (and these were the only pics I could find)

 So now I look like this (and I have a instagram lol)

I can see progress now but I still feel inadequate in so many ways at times. I guess the binge has been me indulging and proving the nasty little bitch in my head who tells me my weight loss is too slow, that I’m a failure in sports, I’ll never be able to run properly, that I’m still fat and still disgusting. Yep, she really is a proper bitch. The binge was just my brains way of proving it to me. It was my way of giving in to the anxiety about a new start and new pressures, I set myself up to prove I was a failure so it was no surprise when I was one.

This isn’t like me and I think it’s largely *new thing* anxiety. It’s back under control now as well. I’ve switched gyms to one with a bigger weights area and more choice, it’s also about 1/3 of the cost too. I’m excited about it, it’s also near my new workplace (or at least 50% of the time!), so that should help fitting in things, they even do 30 minute lunch time classes. I feel a lot of pressure on myself a lot of the time, I put it there and I need to know when to ease up. I’ve always been one to want to be at the end already seeing myself only 1/3 of the way through the weight loss I’d like to achieve is really difficult.

In my head I’m just focussing on the 220′s for now. Then the 210′s and so on. Breaking it down seems to make it a bit less daunting. Another thing that happened is I was a mere 2 lbs away from the 229 figure I’m desperate to see, and then WHAM, back up in the mid 30′s now. It’s the story of my life and I need to recognise it properly. As so as I’m near a goal I ALWAYS gain. It’s like I let myself go a bit and if healthy is going to work long time I can’t do that when I hit my big goal.

Just as a little comparison too Charlie looked like this when I stopped working

and now he looks like this (and he’s had a recent haircut – the long is gone and it was totally his choice – what do you think?)

 Yesterday I went to the gym and I had an amazing workout, it made me feel incredible by the end of it and I hit several personal bests along the way too. So I started with interval runs following the first run of the C25K which I’m hoping to make through injury free this time! I forgot to switch off the watch at the end of it so that’s why it falls to the floor! I was setting up my weights!

Photobucket

I felt quite strong through the run but it reminded me how quickly you lose it when you aren’t rested and when you’ve not run for a while. Then I headed on to the weights which is where I found a few of my personal bests!

I did

3 x 10 Squats with 20kg bar and 25kg weights

Photobucket

Then moved on to alternating sets, for those who aren’t so sure that means there is no break between a set of exercises, for me this is two exercises back to back and then a 60 second rest before repeating again.

3 Sets of 10 Reps

Push ups Seated Rows 40kg

then

3 Sets

10 Reps Left Leg / Right Leg Step Ups 10kg 12 Reps Prone Jacknife

Photobucket

I felt fantastic by the end of the session, I was so so sweaty! I didn’t lose the red face till way way after my shower, I was so glad to have good showers at the new gym too.

Photobucket

This blog is about transparency so I should say that I had quite the embarrassing moment at the gym also, before I went in to the shower I exchanged a few words with a girl in the changing room, while in the shower cubical she said “my legs are really killing” and I presumed that she was talking to me and so started talking about how knackered I was but then realised from the stony silence and then giggling that someone else had come in to the changing room and she was talking to her. I stopped talking mid sentence and I’m sure that contributed to the continuation of red face post workout! On that note, I’m off to bed! Here’s my HRM map for the weights session.

Photobucket

5 thoughts on “All is Ok

  1. I’m 180lbs and feel exactly like you! Its all relative if you’re not happy then youre not happy. I have a new boyfriend and have put on 9lbs since we met 6 months ago becasue he is an amazing cook (butter and cream all the way..) but now I feel disgusting and frumpy.. A few years ago I was 156lbs for years and years and still didnt appreciate what good shape I was in.. Sometimes you need to take a step back and realise how good you look now. Rather than beat yourself up over what you can or can’t do. I feel like I have lost my confidence which is now affecting our relationship when maybe if I was more confident about myself he’d find me sexier regadless of what I weigh! I think you look great and youre obviously fit if you’ve managed a 10K.. I seem to divert off on the wrong track when ever I drop any weight so I get what you mean about goals.. I am just going to try and exercise 4 times a week and be healthy and see what happens.. p.s. Paleo is defo a great way to go!!!

  2. I’m glad you’re feeling a bit better.

    I think many of us have the crazy lady (or man) in our head telling us we’re not worth it. It’s amazing how we can sabotage our own progress with our thoughts. Maren at Flab Mountain did a great post about it a while back.

    I think breaking things down into some bitesize chunks (no pun intended) is definately the way to go rather than focusing on the ultimate goal. Setting challenges and goals along the way helps keep you on track, keep you focused and adds variety. Because let’s face it eating salads and going to the gym everyday can get tedious, become laborious and boring.

    I can see a change in your pictures. Definately. You look so different. Your body shape has really changed.

    I think anyone on a weight loss, health and fitness journey should give themself more praise and less flack. I know it is something I have to work on. I am my own worst enemy. My harshest critic. I am mean to myself a lot of the time.

  3. It’s hard to control those mental demons. I wish I knew how to suppress those negative thoughts but I still have them more often than I’d like to. That being said, as a follower of your blog I know that you have made progress and it shows. You’re still here and fighting. That counts – just keep it up. Show that inner voice who is in control and what you can do to crush her.

    I think I found my confidence as I got stronger through doing the New Rules of Lifting for Women program – you’re doing that right program, right? I tell you, the beginning was slow and tough, but I stuck with it and was amazed at the results – so much stronger both mentally and physically.

    I’m not done (not by a long shot), but I can slap that inner bitch in me with a much stronger hand ;)

    You’ve got this Rebecca.

  4. Great post – I think a lot of us do have that inner bitch. I have always struggled with my self- confidence, and how I look. I guess I’ve always thought of myself as a bit of a loser and completely frustrated by my shyness and inability to just talk to people! Hopeless

    However, I am starting to believe in myself and realise thatI’m actually not *that* bad. It’s just trying to keep that little voice in my head quiet!

    You’re doing great, Becks, and looking fantastic. I’m so pleased that you’re feeling more positive

    Kath

  5. You look great in those photos Rebecca! You have definitely come a long way.

    I can definitely imagine how the return to work nerves are impacting on your mindset. I tend to turn to food to cope too – it’s very understandable… but I love that you’re keeping a positive attitude and moving ahead.

    Deb
    xxx

Leave a Reply