I spent a lot of time thinking about my recent bingeing that I confessed back in my Binge City post on Tuesday. It was hard to admit if I’m totally honest. It’s been a long time since I’ve been in the pits of an emotional binge and I’m not sure I’m totally past it now even but I’m a lot lot better.
I started talking with the man as we drove down to Wadebridge to do some cycling on a trail, the more I talked the more I started getting to the heart of the matter. I don’t feel good enough. I’ve not been in the workplace for nearly 3 years now, I’m terrified. My last job was difficult and I never felt quite good enough at it, guidance wasn’t limited as such but I never really felt I “got it”. I loved what I did though and would happily do it again I think (my job was axed when our government changed). So I’ve been at home with my child, slowly sorting out my life, I found myself a single parent for a time, we rebuilt our relationship, I rebuilt my self esteem and I started losing the weight. When I lost my job, I looked like this (and these were the only pics I could find)
So now I look like this (and I have a instagram lol)
I can see progress now but I still feel inadequate in so many ways at times. I guess the binge has been me indulging and proving the nasty little bitch in my head who tells me my weight loss is too slow, that I’m a failure in sports, I’ll never be able to run properly, that I’m still fat and still disgusting. Yep, she really is a proper bitch. The binge was just my brains way of proving it to me. It was my way of giving in to the anxiety about a new start and new pressures, I set myself up to prove I was a failure so it was no surprise when I was one.
This isn’t like me and I think it’s largely *new thing* anxiety. It’s back under control now as well. I’ve switched gyms to one with a bigger weights area and more choice, it’s also about 1/3 of the cost too. I’m excited about it, it’s also near my new workplace (or at least 50% of the time!), so that should help fitting in things, they even do 30 minute lunch time classes. I feel a lot of pressure on myself a lot of the time, I put it there and I need to know when to ease up. I’ve always been one to want to be at the end already seeing myself only 1/3 of the way through the weight loss I’d like to achieve is really difficult.
In my head I’m just focussing on the 220′s for now. Then the 210′s and so on. Breaking it down seems to make it a bit less daunting. Another thing that happened is I was a mere 2 lbs away from the 229 figure I’m desperate to see, and then WHAM, back up in the mid 30′s now. It’s the story of my life and I need to recognise it properly. As so as I’m near a goal I ALWAYS gain. It’s like I let myself go a bit and if healthy is going to work long time I can’t do that when I hit my big goal.
Just as a little comparison too Charlie looked like this when I stopped working
and now he looks like this (and he’s had a recent haircut – the long is gone and it was totally his choice – what do you think?)
Yesterday I went to the gym and I had an amazing workout, it made me feel incredible by the end of it and I hit several personal bests along the way too. So I started with interval runs following the first run of the C25K which I’m hoping to make through injury free this time! I forgot to switch off the watch at the end of it so that’s why it falls to the floor! I was setting up my weights!
I felt quite strong through the run but it reminded me how quickly you lose it when you aren’t rested and when you’ve not run for a while. Then I headed on to the weights which is where I found a few of my personal bests!
3 x 10 Squats with 20kg bar and 25kg weights
Then moved on to alternating sets, for those who aren’t so sure that means there is no break between a set of exercises, for me this is two exercises back to back and then a 60 second rest before repeating again.
3 Sets of 10 Reps
Push ups Seated Rows 40kg
10 Reps Left Leg / Right Leg Step Ups 10kg 12 Reps Prone Jacknife
I felt fantastic by the end of the session, I was so so sweaty! I didn’t lose the red face till way way after my shower, I was so glad to have good showers at the new gym too.
This blog is about transparency so I should say that I had quite the embarrassing moment at the gym also, before I went in to the shower I exchanged a few words with a girl in the changing room, while in the shower cubical she said “my legs are really killing” and I presumed that she was talking to me and so started talking about how knackered I was but then realised from the stony silence and then giggling that someone else had come in to the changing room and she was talking to her. I stopped talking mid sentence and I’m sure that contributed to the continuation of red face post workout! On that note, I’m off to bed! Here’s my HRM map for the weights session.