Once you start losing weight, whether you shout it from the rooftops or do it quietly off to one side soon enough you can’t really deny it anymore. It’s noticeable. Kind of like a really slow haircut people start to comment on it..”you look nice have you lost weight?” I mean what is the right answer to that? “Well I’ve always felt I tried my best at my appearance but yes I’ve dropped a few lbs”?
The support I’ve received over the past year has been overwhelming, it’s driven me to achievements I never thought I was capable of, it’s an amazing thing that I don’t think I could do this whole thing without, but there is a dark side to it and I’m interested to hear what other people have to say about it aswell, please comment, I’d love to hear your views.
When you carry around your decisions, achievements, and failings with you it’s difficult to not become public property. I make myself public property here, I kind of feel like I have a little group of friends here, people who don’t judge the decisions I make, who celebrate with me and who understand what it is to manage a problem like the one I have with food everyday. The difficulty with people outside of those who understand these struggles is that they don’t realise what a problem it can be to battle something you rely on for nourishment.
I’ve had problems with knowing food as something good since I was around 9 years old. It’s tied up in so many emotions that even after years of angsty self reflection I don’t totally understand it, but what I do know is that some people have a better understanding than others, some people have more compassion than others too, even if they don’t understand from experience. I have had the wonderful experience of being bullied in the workplace using my size as a handy stick to beat me with, ironically at a time where I had lost three stone at the time. I gained it back pretty quickly at that point. I’ve had the odd bit of abuse too but nothing too serious. These people are ignorant idiots with small willies and brains so are easy to write off but the others are more difficult.
My experiences vary wildly, I’ve had uber competitive reactions particularly from women, I’ve had the sly, backwards digs, the “should you be eating/drinking that if you are on a diet?” comments, the in depth questions about what I eat, and don’t eat, which if born out curiosity I am cool with but it’s often pretty clear that it’s not. It’s born out of sneering disdain for you and your efforts.
My weight loss has been slow, I’ve been plugging away at this well over a year, I’ve nearly lost 50lbs, but I’ve been up and down like a proverbials knickers and I’m battling things that I don’t fully understand. I sit here currently eating chocolate instead of dealing with my stress. It’s an unhelpful thing. I’m beating myself up a bit but part of that stress has been brought on by feeling intruded upon, unwelcome intrusion in to my personal life and diet life which was neither friendly nor pleasant.
Coming from a background of disordered eating it’s hard to accept uninvited intrusion in to your eating habits. When you are judging yourself already it’s hard to know other people are judging you, particularly when you have other stresses in your life at that time, or frankly you are coming to terms with the fact that you aren’t dieting you are just going for a full lifestyle change. It’s difficult because I judge myself every day for what I put in my mouth.
I don’t know when I will stop caring about other peoples attitudes to me, to my fat, to how my diet is shaping my life but I know that it’s not anyones business unless I make it their business and I have to start standing up for myself a little better. Lets face it, questioning what people are eating is just rude, why should I care what rude people think of me?
Have you had anything similar ?