BTW…

I just wanted to say that I want to make more of this blog. Less obsessing and talking more generally. So I thought I would talk about the things I am really passionate about in life.

Firstly my family, immediate and extended. My husband and my son mean the world to me and I am really nothing without them. I am really blessed with a happy little boy who brings magic to my life everyday. He’s 3 now and growing in to such a marvellous little guy full of confidence and joy. When I think about him I absolutely swell with pride and love. Everytime I hear “Sweet Child of Mine” I can’t help but well up. It’s one of the songs I heard on the radio right after Charlie was born. The Cheryl Crow version is beautiful. The lyrics say what I feel most of the time about my son. They spell out who he is to me.

He’s got a smile that it seems to me
Reminds me of childhood memories
Where everything was as fresh as the bright blue sky
Now and then when I see his face
He takes me away to that special place
And if I stared too long
I’d probably break down and cry

Oh, sweet child o’ mine
Oh, sweet love of mine
He’s got eyes of the bluest skies
As if they thought of rain
I hate to look into those eyes
And see an ounce of pain
His hair reminds me of a warm safe place
Where as a child I’d hide
And pray for the thunder and the rain
To quietly pass me by

He’s probably my proudest achievement in life, I had my difficulties but when I look at him I want to smile and burst with utter unbridled joy. I can’t believe I grew him inside me from a tiny cell to the beautiful baby and then nurtured him in to the lovely boy he is now. My husband is the most patient, supportive and lovely man I ever had the good fortune to meet. Over the years his personal style has developed and he’s as handsome as he is smart. I love him with all my heart, through thick and thin that’s never changed and I hope it never does.

I love all my family, we are dysfunctional, not the same and broken apart in places. To me family are those who show they love you by just a smile at the right time. My mum is not my family. She isn’t and it’s really sad but I am learning to not look for approval from her. In 3 years she has never recognised my sons little life. Not even a comment on facebook on his birthday. Pathetic. She’s selfish, self centred and she won’t ever be my mother in any other way than biological. Yet I spend my life looking for approval from her. It frustrates me so much. I think a lot of my self esteem issues do stem from her repeated rejection of me but then I wonder why I can’t reject her myself. I have written a million letters that I have never posted. It’s too painful.

Outside of real people I love photography. I love to capture an instant, something that will never be the same again. Especially people and objects. Still life rocks my world.

Christmas is coming and I am loving the range of Christmas stuff around, it’s great to photograph and emotes such a sense of festivity, memories, and life. Photography is like an extension of me. It’s my art, I produce things that I think are beautiful. Things that emote things in others and one day I hope to do it full time. It’s a dream. An ambition I guess but that would mean turning my back on my other passion. My Job.

I work in support. I support parents and it’s amazing. It can be challenging, frustrating, and tiring but everything about it is what I stand for. That people need support, as many chances as it takes and someone to guide them through and sometimes bring them back. I have so many ways to make people feel good about themselves and I know that’s full of irony but I really do. I can be so positive and enthusiastic about others but then I loose it when I look in the mirror. I can’t be positive about myself and part of that is not wanting to be that arrogant girl that everyone knows one of. There’s a TV show starting on living soon called “My Ugly Best Friend”. I can’t begin to imagine what horrors or arrogance and self pity they are going to uncover. I feel like I have to stay humble as I really don’t know how to control feeling good.

I am undertaking therapy shortly on the 19th is my first session. I can’t understand how it’s going to work but I hope. The woman looks really good and very professional. I’m not very good at putting stuff like this in to motion so I arranged everything by email and it was great. Stepping in to her office will be so tough and I feel sick at the thought but it needs to be done.

Well I guess that’s me, neurotisist me, just trying my best to move on with my life.

One thought on “BTW…

  1. i love you and i am proud of you. Your Mother is the one who is losing out. Her selfishness is not yours. You are kind, caring and beautiful, and the pity is you don’t realise how fabulous you really are. Maybe that’s not necessarily a bad thing because of the arrogance thing mentioned above, but giving yourself a bit more credit for the lovely talented person you are would also be a good thing too. Making the step to see someone is huge. I know it will be hard for you. I will walk with you through that door if it would help. Whatever you choose, well done.

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