I just wanted to say that I want to make more of this blog. Less obsessing and talking more generally. So I thought I would talk about the things I am really passionate about in life.
Firstly my family, immediate and extended. My husband and my son mean the world to me and I am really nothing without them. I am really blessed with a happy little boy who brings magic to my life everyday. He’s 3 now and growing in to such a marvellous little guy full of confidence and joy. When I think about him I absolutely swell with pride and love. Everytime I hear “Sweet Child of Mine” I can’t help but well up. It’s one of the songs I heard on the radio right after Charlie was born. The Cheryl Crow version is beautiful. The lyrics say what I feel most of the time about my son. They spell out who he is to me.
He’s got a smile that it seems to me
Reminds me of childhood memories
Where everything was as fresh as the bright blue sky
Now and then when I see his face
He takes me away to that special place
And if I stared too long
I’d probably break down and cry
Oh, sweet love of mine
As if they thought of rain
I hate to look into those eyes
And see an ounce of pain
His hair reminds me of a warm safe place
Where as a child I’d hide
And pray for the thunder and the rain
To quietly pass me by
He’s probably my proudest achievement in life, I had my difficulties but when I look at him I want to smile and burst with utter unbridled joy. I can’t believe I grew him inside me from a tiny cell to the beautiful baby and then nurtured him in to the lovely boy he is now. My husband is the most patient, supportive and lovely man I ever had the good fortune to meet. Over the years his personal style has developed and he’s as handsome as he is smart. I love him with all my heart, through thick and thin that’s never changed and I hope it never does.
I love all my family, we are dysfunctional, not the same and broken apart in places. To me family are those who show they love you by just a smile at the right time. My mum is not my family. She isn’t and it’s really sad but I am learning to not look for approval from her. In 3 years she has never recognised my sons little life. Not even a comment on facebook on his birthday. Pathetic. She’s selfish, self centred and she won’t ever be my mother in any other way than biological. Yet I spend my life looking for approval from her. It frustrates me so much. I think a lot of my self esteem issues do stem from her repeated rejection of me but then I wonder why I can’t reject her myself. I have written a million letters that I have never posted. It’s too painful.
Outside of real people I love photography. I love to capture an instant, something that will never be the same again. Especially people and objects. Still life rocks my world.
Christmas is coming and I am loving the range of Christmas stuff around, it’s great to photograph and emotes such a sense of festivity, memories, and life. Photography is like an extension of me. It’s my art, I produce things that I think are beautiful. Things that emote things in others and one day I hope to do it full time. It’s a dream. An ambition I guess but that would mean turning my back on my other passion. My Job.
I work in support. I support parents and it’s amazing. It can be challenging, frustrating, and tiring but everything about it is what I stand for. That people need support, as many chances as it takes and someone to guide them through and sometimes bring them back. I have so many ways to make people feel good about themselves and I know that’s full of irony but I really do. I can be so positive and enthusiastic about others but then I loose it when I look in the mirror. I can’t be positive about myself and part of that is not wanting to be that arrogant girl that everyone knows one of. There’s a TV show starting on living soon called “My Ugly Best Friend”. I can’t begin to imagine what horrors or arrogance and self pity they are going to uncover. I feel like I have to stay humble as I really don’t know how to control feeling good.
I am undertaking therapy shortly on the 19th is my first session. I can’t understand how it’s going to work but I hope. The woman looks really good and very professional. I’m not very good at putting stuff like this in to motion so I arranged everything by email and it was great. Stepping in to her office will be so tough and I feel sick at the thought but it needs to be done.
Well I guess that’s me, neurotisist me, just trying my best to move on with my life.