Back to the Beginning

At the weekend I was having a little down time, I’d not been feeling well but the last two weekends we’d been busy (which was lovely and amazing as I got to hang with my Devon bestie and my family) and I decided to have a look at the beginning.


I’m still working on the refresh of this little space, and I wanted to really see which posts I was going to keep and what I wanted to clear out, broken links and all that jazz. I started to read a few posts from the beginning. I’d forgotten how many false starts there had been, how many diets that lasted a week, how I struggled over days and how hard it was to get started, and then when it all fell in to place and it made me think about a number of things, including how different my life is now.

I noticed that back then at the start I lapsed every couple of days, I guess I can measure success in the amount of times between falling face first into pizza. I’ve improved my knowledge of nutrition immensely and my diet has moved on massively. I no longer rely on eating cereal to get me through the day or shakes or working out for 3 hours and feeling proud enough of myself to eat some chocolate.

Then I did the work on myself, I improved my self esteem massively, and then things started to fall in to place. One thing I really noticed was that no matter what was happening in my life (two moves, separation etc etc) I stuck mostly to plan. I lost weight fairly consistently for the first 2 stone (28 lbs). The thing is a little information can be a bad thing, and I think I tied myself in knots trying to understand how I could lose weight faster, smarter, healthier. I’ve lost sight of just feeling better and that’s what I had at the beginning.

Thats not to say I’m abandoning what I’ve learnt, as I creep closer to my starting weight than my goal weight I need to change the tide. I’m not happy at this weight and I’ve realised that my self esteem took quite a battering over the last few years and while it’s recovering I need to work at that just as hard as I need to work on my weight. So right now I’m not going to focus on weight, I’m going to focus on how the food I’m eating makes me feel, and I’m confident that that will start to see me change the tide of weight increase. I need to plan better, I definitely need to care for myself better, but I understand my schedule and the demands of my work now, I can cope with them and build my routine around them.

I’m almost relieved to be starting again in a way. It feels like a fresh slate, to go with my very different life. 

Its Just A Joke

Humour has been a hot topic in our house this week. I can have quite a sarcastic, dark, dry, sharp sense of humour, it comes from my life experiences, the humour of my father, my work, and Oliver can have a similar one too. It works well a lot of the time but in one area of my life we’re having to re evaluate how we use it.

I make a lot of jokes at my own expense

Cause just like fat amy I wanna get in there before the twig bitches. And before people start screaming about equality here, the term twig bitches is reserved for those women who are thin, bitches, and are mean to chubby girls. I had years of people making barbed comments, at one job even people singing songs about me for a good old giggle amongst themselves, and they weren’t nearly as subtle as they thought either, I’ve had jokes made at my expense by groups of people, abuse hurled at me on the street and in clubs, even had ex partners family members use my weight to have a laugh at my expense and ex partners tell me I’m embarrassing too, all incidents where “humour” was used to humiliate me.

Then I’ve just carried on the role, I self embarrass, self humiliate, I put myself down before anyone else can because for some reason it’s not quite as painful as if someone else did it for me. We are all encouraged to be able to laugh at ourselves, if we can’t we aren’t fun, we have no sense of humour, but when you’re the butt of the joke all the time, even from yourself it can become a pretty negative habit. I’ve nicknamed myself lots of unpleasant things over the years, jabba, chunk, heffer, and I’ve come to the conclusion that it has to stop.


I feel a bit like I’m at the beginning of my journey a bit, I’ve let how I see and understand myself slip into old habits, habits of hating my body rather than respecting it, punishing it because its worthless rather than rewarding it for being amazing.

I sincerely believe this to be true. No one has never been as mean to myself as I have, and it hits me harder not less when I do it to myself, cause frankly if other people need to pull me down then they’ve got more problems than me. I can throw their comments away where as my own I have to carry with me wherever I go. You can’t escape my own thoughts and criticisms.

I need to make some changes. I’m going to talk more about it in another post but I need the beginning to be now, not January the 1st. Cause a month and a half could do me a lot of damage the way I am right now, however I know better these days than to throw myself down the mega restrictive route. In a way it’s easier and harder for me that way, easier because there is something to follow (and something to fail at) and harder because I know the outcome, stress and failure. So I’m just going to bring it back a bit but gently and remind myself that it’s my sons birthday and Christmas coming up.

I need to make some changes across the board, but the first thing on the list is to be a bit kinder to myself. 

Healthy Smile Recipe!

I spoke the other day about Simply Health giving me a run down of healthy foods for a healthy smile and that they provided me some gorgeous yummy organic food to go with it.


Well we had a great time devouring all the food but I tried out one recipe in particular that I thought I’d share with you.


 These potatoes are quick and easy to make but pack a massive great taste served with simple spinach, walnuts, or celery.

You will need (for 2 servings) 

2 Baking Potatoes
1 packet of cornish brown crab
Some strong cheese
1/2 tbsp Dried Paprika
1/2 tbsp Chilli Powder
2 cloves Garlic finely crushed or 1 tbsp Garlic powder
1/2 tbsp Dried Oregano
1/2 tbsp Cayenne Pepper
1/2 tbsp Dried Thyme

What you need to do with it:

Prick the potatoes and bake in the oven at 220C for around 30 minutes. You could oil up the outsides if you like them crispy.

Mix the thyme, cayenne, oregano, chilli powder and paprika together in a small bowl to create a spice blend, you could alter the amounts of the spices to suit your taste. Add the garlic powder or if using fresh garlic toss it in to a frying pan in some coconut oil or other cooking fat.

Add the crab meat to the frying pan and lightly fry on a low temperature. While that’s cooking grate some cheese, how much of it is all down to how you like your cheese.


Once your potatoes are baked, take them out of the oven and chop them in half. Carefully scoop out the inside of the potatoes in to a bowl. Add a tablespoon or two of the spice blend and the crab to the potato bowl and mix together. Fill the potatoes with the mix and sprinkle cheese on top of it.

Pop them back in the oven for a further 10-15 minutes until the cheese is lovely and melted.

Nom away.


Superfoods for your Smile


Our smile can change our face completely, it tells the world something about how we are feeling and how we see the world around us. I know I for one hid my smile for a long time, paranoid about how it looked, were my teeth white enough, would it make my face look wider, I hated my teeth – and my smile – for a long time. These days I laugh a lot more, smile broadly and feel like my happiness shows.


My smile is far from perfect and I’m still working hard to be happy with it, so when Simply Health gave me the opportunity to try out some organic food that could benefit my smile,  you may have seen on my Instagram a little while ago I had a delivery of Able and Cole food

A photo posted by Rebecca (@beccarockslife) on

Obviously food plays a massive part of our mouth health, we all make the connection between sugar and fillings but for a while there we thought cutting down on sweeties would do it, but then fruit and fruit juice came under the microscope, it’s always more complex than we first think isn’t it?  I don’t know about you but I wasn’t all that sure about what the good things actually were good for your smile, and Simply Health have finally enlightened me!

I decided to cook up a recipe using some mouth friendly foods from my lovely packs of organic food and I’ll post that recipe in the next day or so! 

After the last one.

So in my last post I talked about getting weight loss surgery. It’s not an easy choice at all, I’ve been digesting my decision ever since I made it and I’m still certain it’s the right thing, however I’m not certain it’s actually going to happen.

You see in the UK we have this amazing health service. I genuinely believe that, it means that surgeries that could be considered “cosmetic” or “elective” have to meet certain thresholds, totally as it should when it’s coming from collective pockets, I don’t think, having done a little research, that I meet those thresholds. My BMI isn’t big enough, ironically I would have to gain weight to have the surgery to lose weight. Honestly, it’s not worth my health to do that, both mentally or physically.

So where now. I’m still going to seek surgery, I’ve read a tonne about it, I know it’s not the easy way out, you still have to diet, workout, it’s just that due to physical restrictions on your body, you manage to achieve those losses quicker. It’s funny really cause I’ve never been a “get rich quick” girl in any way except for weight loss, since I was in my early teens I’ve had this need to lose weight, no matter how, I’ve starved, binged and purged, I’ve severely restricted food groups, I’ve calorie counted, I’ve tried moderation, slimming world, weight watchers, Cambridge, cabbage soup, it goes on and on and on…

P.S I have the biggest girl crush on Emma Stone. She’s epic.

I’m so fed up with it. I’ve not managed to be consistent on anything ever. Call it a lack of self control, lack of emotional regulation, call it laziness, I don’t care anymore what it is, I need to figure out how I can move past it. I’m probably the happiest I’ve ever been in my adult life, I have some heavy life stuff going on but I think tbh there will always be something. Some reason why I “can’t” do it. Don’t get me wrong, I am being kind to myself, I understand I have some serious things in my life right now, but I have to handle them without food. Food is not a comfort nor is it a reward. I need to find other ways to do things and celebrate.

I’m feeling more settled in my work right now, it’s long hours, it can be exhausting but I’m finding I’m less worn out on my days off now so I can start getting more fitness in, there’s so many things I want to do but I do feel I’m being held back by my weight. So the weight is coming off. With or without surgery.

Just need to find a plan now.


I’ve come to realise this last week that fear has been holding back a lot of things in my life, I’m at the start of a whole new chapter which is so unknown and things haven’t gone to plan already but I’m the happiest I can remember being.

Money, can’t live with it, can’t ignore it either. My weight gain, very hard to ignore seeing as my clothes don’t fit.

So that fear has been seeping out of the money bit of my brain and in to the rest of my world so I’ve decided that I need to start channelling a little Nikki Bella.

Yeah, I wouldn’t mind looking like that either lol.


I need to stop being caught up on what I think life should be like and get real, this is life right now, I’ve spent so much time lately saying “when I have…” “when I am…” instead of focusing on the opportunity I have right now.

I’m consulting with my doctor about weight loss surgery.

When I started this blog, way back in 2010 I was considering weight loss surgery, this blog was going to document that journey but I couldn’t lose the required 10% of weight loss, so I worked on myself and I started to lose weight. Then I got divorced, I got a degree, I had a long distance relationship, I moved 300 miles, I left behind my best friend, I started a new career, I still had a child who consumes my world I love him so much, and I’m facing the loss of someone I love in the near future.

One of the biggest things that’s playing on my mind? I’m nearly 34. I know. I totally don’t look it.

Every year that passes after 30 weight loss just gets harder and harder. 5 years ago this was easier. 5 years ago I was a stay at home parent. I didn’t work 42 hours a week. My child went to pre school every day. That first stone came off lightening fast and I’ve maintained a 35 lb weight loss but now it’s not easy. It’s demoralising.

This is my way of taking control.

I get that I’ll be judged, I’ll be unfollowed, I will probably even feel some internet mocking, but you know what? This is my life. I have to live with being exhausted after work and my feet hurting. I have to live with going to a clothes store and finding nothing I like that I can fit in. I have to live with watching my son do stuff I want to do with him.

I’ll still document the journey, thats the decision I’ve made, first step, referral to surgery.

Life Skills

A lot of my work is about teaching life skills to those who haven’t had the opportunity to learn them in the way that most people do, but when life throws you something that you’ve never had to deal with how the hell do you deal with it?

I’ve been feeling like that lately.

I’ve had to cancel my wedding.

Oliver and I are just fine but sadly I’ve recently had the news that a vital person in my life isn’t. I need to concentrate on that first. I’ve never had to deal with losing someone in this way before. I’ve never really had to lose anyone so important to me. It’s all come as a massive shock to the system.

One of the first things I said when talking through all this is I can’t eat my way through this. I just can’t destroy myself further than I already have this year because things aren’t going my way. I have to deal with this properly. So I’ve talked, I’ve cried, I’ve talked, I’ve cried, I’ve sung along to Taylor Swift and I’ve cried.

I’ve felt damn sorry for myself as life appeared to totally gang up on me. Don’t worry I’ve given myself a stern talking to as well.

And I’ve eaten a bit, but not to comfort myself. And you know what? I’ve not exploded. I’ve not imploded. I’ve actually done absolutely fine.

Life has gone on. I’ve worked a lot.

I haven’t got to the gym though. I’ve not had any motivation what so ever and I need to find that again.

Any tips?

The Protein Works Chocolate Heaven Mug Cake

Recently The Protein Works got in touch with me and said hey, try some of our products they’re chocolatey, and who was I to resist?

I’ll be  honest I’m always suss about Protein Powders and things and very rarely buy them, when I do it’s vanilla and I use it in cooking. The Protein Works sent me the Millionaires Shortbread flavour of their Whey Protein 80 and holy shiz balls its beautiful. I’ve been drinking it with just some almond milk. It comes in a TONNE of flavours too, from Apple Cinnamon Swirl to White Chocolate Blondie.


I took a look around the market and the reviews from independent reviewers, this guy loves the product too (even if he punches cats), and this guy too. This wins on flavour, selections, and is low in sugar too. There’s all kinds of details on the site about the technicalities of the whey protein if you’re in to all that stuff.

They also sent me some amazing Peanut Butter, Peanut Butter Luxe in Chocolate Fudge Brownie flavour. I love peanut butter. I love Chocolate Fudge Brownies. What’s a girl to do with this? Eat it. With a spoon. Otherwise it’s pretty epic in protein shakes and for the recipe I’m gonna give you right below.

peanut-butter-luxe_2I know! I am getting super generous now, here’s a super easy mug cake which is a little bit indulgent (183 calories) but great for after a workout with only 8g of fat, 4g of carbs and a good whack of 27g of protein. I made it with the ingredients provided for me and seriously recommend you do too.

For a Super Chocolate Heaven Protein Mug Cake You need:

A Mug & a Microwave
1 Scoop of Millionaires Shortbread Whey 80 Protein Powder
1 tbsp of Peanut Butter Luxe
1/4 tsp of baking powder
Pinch of Salt (I’m a fan of Kosher salt or Rock Salt)
1 fresh egg white
1/4 mug of Almond Milk (or standard milk if you like)

Add the powder, milk, baking powder, salt and egg white together and mix in the mug until smooth, add the peanut butter and get as smooth as you can.

Mug Cake, Protein Mug Cake, Lifting, Gym, weight Loss
Microwave on full for 30 seconds, give it a stir and microwave for another 30 seconds. You should get a lifted texture at this point, if you don’t microwave again in 10 second intervals.


Mug Cake, Protein Mug Cake, Lifting, Gym, weight Loss

I ended up with a fluffy cake with a little bit of wet sauce on the top, it was beautiful! Scoff away. It’s also really filling and will keep you going for ages! As I was taking pictures I noticed the sign hanging at the end of our kitchen.


While The Protein Works may have given me some lovely gifts it doesn’t mean I would change my opinion on the product. I always give an honest account of anything I try and tell you all the truth! I wouldn’t share anything that I didn’t think readers would be interested in. Let me know what you think of the recipe, or the products in the comments :) 


You graduate from so many things in your life, this week I graduated from University, but you graduate from childhood to adulthood, you graduate from single life to relationship to parenthood. We often don’t even think about these rites of passage because they don’t have the grandeur that the event I attended at the weekend. Its funny, graduation fell the weekend after Yom Kippur, a time when you let go of whats holding you back. It’s made me all reflective and shit.


Thats me. On one of the most gorgeous days I’ve seen in months, by the seaside getting recognition for the first class degree that I achieved and the award I achieved. I have never felt prouder of what I’d achieved really, of myself, I’m often proud of my son and that reflection on me, but rarely for something I’ve done because my inability to lose weight, to battle whatever it is that makes me lose weight and gain it again in my brain, will override any feeling of success I’ve had. I felt proud this weekend. I posted the pictures of me even though I winced a little when I saw them. I wanted to look better. I wanted to look amazing, I wanted that final day to really have a more rounded feeling of success but I wasn’t able to do it. I’m actually at a higher weight than I have been in a long time.

I’m not able to go to fat club for a while, financially while we are in a period of flux, its just not possible, so you’ll see me on MFP. I’m also finding that weekly weigh ins are counter productive so I’m going to be weighing fortnightly and probably aiming for monthly long term. I felt much better about things when I did that previously.

As far as food goes, I’ll be staying within my macros as much as possible but nothing is off the menu. I’m going to try and identify real trigger foods, well ones that I’ve not seen already, and remove them gradually. I have a lot going on (is there ever a time when I don’t?!) so managing my diet will help me feel better in myself and that will impact the rest of my life. I actually am getting started today. I was going to start after the weekend but I knew that a week of crappy food would happen between now and then if I did so today is today.

Today I graduate from being happy in my life but not in my skin.
Today I graduate from choices which make me unhappy.
Today I graduate from restrictive eating which makes me crazy.


I’ve always been a goal orientated person, I’ve always wanted to have an “end” so having healthy goals is tricky because they never end really,  there’s always something to improve on, build on, and improve. So sometimes it feels like my goal weight is unachievable, unreachable.

For example, 70lbs lost. I’ve come close a number of times, I’ve been 2/3 lbs away and then boom, I lose it for some reason. It’s like breaking that barrier is so hard and I get nervy getting near it but I have a goal to smash it. Right now, with only 40lbs lost I feel like that goal is a mountain. It was interesting musing over Sarah’s challenge for last week in the 50lbsin50 challenge. That in one thing is a target, 50lbs in 50 weeks, but instead of looking at the goal, Sarah has us looking at the rewards we could earn along the way. Sounds good to me!

So I’ve planned these rewards from the start of slimming world:

Currently at 5.5lbs lost (as of 13.9.15 when I’m writing this)

10 lbs lost (45 total): Few bits of new make up
20 lbs lost (55 total) : New Video game
30 lbs lost (65 total) : Massage/pamper session
40 lbs lost (75 total) : New Dress
50 lbs lost (85 total) : Date Night

Hopefully these will stop this

Goals are a two edged sword, placing too much pressure on yourself to achieve goals in a set time frame when it comes to health and fitness and weight loss has bit me on the ass a number of times and they’ve fed a feeling that I’m worthless and hopeless. Setting goals is fine, setting time scales is not important for me anymore. Right now progress really is better than perfection. Perfection eats away at you, it makes you feel not good enough and it makes you feel like you can’t achieve what you could given more time.

I’ve achieved a full on life goal recently, so now I’m taking some time to knock some healthy me goals on the head. I want to do it without castigating myself for not doing it fast enough, and I want to do it in a healthy way for me, and right now that is perfection.