Anxiety Anshiety

So time is flying by isn’t it? I last wrote on the 9th and now it’s the 26th and I’m still here thinking of something to say. It’s kind of why I stopped blogging, the pressure to have something to say was so strong and really I don’t have all that much to say, well sometimes I never shut up and other times I just am quiet. It’s pretty much me in real life too.

Today I’ve had to take a day off work, I planned to go in, then my son was ill, I managed to be able to go in in the afternoon but Charlie just became more ill and so I couldn’t do it. I have had him limpeted to me all day. He’s hot and flustered and limp all at once and while he’s starting to get better today I’ve realised that my anxiety is more of a problem than I’ve given it credit for. My life has been totally consumed today by worry. Outside of my worry about my sick child, the worry that I couldn’t get to work, that my colleagues would be angry with me, that my boss would be angry with me were on my mind all day. I’m still in my probationary period at this job so the anxiety is high.

It made me think about how my anxiety generally makes me act. Obviously threes the obvious food issues. Then there’s snappiness, irritability, nit picking and that lovely need to blame someone else for anything that goes wrong. Anxiety = deflection. In recent years I’m much much less anxious than I’ve ever been. The main source of my anxiety previously was my ex husband and all the things that went with him. It can be exhausting but thats pretty much the only  physical symptom I get. But it’s all encompassing tired. Fall asleep mid sentence tired. Painful tired. So tired I want to hibernate and curl up and hide from everyone.

I don’t know why I’m rambling about this, maybe the realisation that I need to do some work on my anxiety if I’m ever going to be able to lose some weight / maintain a healthy lifestyle without nose diving into reeces peices.

Back to Square 0

I made the decision yesterday to reset my weight loss. Nothing will take away what I’ve achieved already, I’m not back at my highest weight but I came scarily close to slipping down that road last year. I’ve regained a significant amount of weight and so I found myself feeling like I need a change in how I think about things. So now my fitness pals weight loss counter says 0 as it says my 1/1/16 weight as my starting point.

I wrote last week about instead of new year new me, I was new year new attitude. I decided that I was going to stop chasing the end goal and focus on the process. The process being how I want to live my damn life rather than my life being about losing weight. I need to lose weight, I’m completely at peace with that, but like I talked about the other day, I want to nourish my body not punish it.

So the man and I have been working on a bit of a plan, what we want our life to look like from food and workouts to hobbies, we’ve done extensive research and we’ve decided on a lot of things, like we feel good when we work out, we feel good when we eat well, we enjoy carbs, that treats can be a good thing if we know they wont make us binge, we want to set a great example to our health conscious boy.

I used to feel responsible, as a blogger, for results, now I feel like I just want to live, be happy, and let the other stuff fall in to place. I need to change the lifestyle and mental state I’ve fallen in to and that’s going to be a struggle but I want to do it. We have just about planned it out now, got to get the tools to implement it and then we are go go go. No doubt there will be slips and trips along the way but only determination is going to get us there.

I’m not going to talk about the plan for now, I’ll talk about it in a month or so when I’m sure that I’ve ironed out the bits that don’t work and ones that do. So far it’s untested. I’ll be instagramming all kinds of stuff along the way I’m sure.

Life needs living again, not waiting for weight loss to happen.

Nourishment not Punishment

I said in my last post New Year New Attitude that I wanted to talk more about my changing attitude to food and how I’m embracing Nourishment not Punishment.

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Lets think for a minute about food as punishment. For a long time I used it as such, felt angry? Thats an ugly feeling push it down with food and hide it away. Felt sad? That’ll lead to rejection, use food and hide it away. I could go on but you get the drift. Thats not me anymore. I’ve started to actually feel things instead of hide them away, I am building a support network that allows me to feel however I feel. I don’t need to hide under food anymore, nor the layers of fat that I built up to defend myself from the things that make me feel.

Then there’s the feeling that comes after a binge. Revulsion, frustration, unease, nausea, and a general feeling of overall shittiness. Thats punishment wrapped up right there, but it’s the kind of punishment that keeps giving because every missed goal, every weigh in after the binge, it reminds you not only of what you did but the reason why you did it.

Junk food isn’t the easy option. It might seem it at the time but the associated things mean so much more and are so much harder to live with. One day I’ll get to a place where a McDonalds is just a McDonalds but that’s a work in progress. Food isn’t a battlefield, it really shouldn’t be but it has been my whole life, from restricting heavily to bingeing the middle ground is finally starting to be in my grasp and what I’m focussing on is what that food will do for my whole being rather than just my hunger pangs.

Nourishment comes in so many forms, cooking is therapeutic for me, I enjoy the process, the creation and the enjoyment of it at the end of it all. So cooking needs to be part of my down time and leaving behind processed foods is part of that. I know that some people see “clean eating” as part of disordered eating, there is in fact a recognised eating disorder (although not recognised in diagnostics yet Orthorexia Nervosa) which is defined by a fixation on righteous eating, I think it all comes down to how you look at your eating habits. I look at them as a way of nourishing myself from the inside out, a way of feeling healthier rather than obsession things. I wont come out in sweats at the thought of eating a slice of pizza nor will I run 10 miles the next day to balance it out. Clean eating isn’t the problem, the pressure on us to be everything to everyone is. Eating disorders are rarely about food. But I digress.

Giving myself time to cook, process and enjoy a meal at the table rather than passively in front of the TV is a chance for me to nourish myself with my families days, stories from the playground, plans for the future, and reflection on life.

Nourishment goes far beyond metabolising a meal into lean tissue or fat. I plan to live it and let the results happen rather than just chasing results.

New Year, New Attitude

For as long as I can remember I’ve wanted to lose weight, when I was thin I couldn’t see it and when I was obese I couldn’t cope with it. What I’ve taken such a long time to get to is how I can change my weight without losing my mind, it’s certainly not through diet plans, it’s certainly not through restricting calories, it’s going to be living my life in a way which promotes a health body AND mind.

Before new year I talked a bit about why I needed to change my attitude. It’s so different to when I started many years ago, after the failed starts and some success I am back with a lot of weight to loose but no excuses left as to why I’m not doing it. So I started to think about what was going to make me successful.

2016

1. Concentrating on my happiness, and in turn that’ll mean being kind to the people around me as well as myself.
2. Having a clear defined plan around what I’m eating and how I’ll maintain weight loss through the year.
3. Understanding myself, reflecting on what works well and what doesn’t and learning from it.
4. Giving myself times where life is calm and ordered, not a constant bombardment of “busy”.
5. Reaching the end of a day, week, month and 2016 with satisfaction, knowing I’m doing my best and that enough.

There are habits I need to work on rather than actions if that makes sense, this a diet blog so I’ll address that first but keep in mind, diet isn’t completely my focus, nor weight loss, although it’s part of the puzzle there are more important things which help that piece fall in to place.

I am going to set my own parameters of food and I’m going to live by them. Far too much over the last couple of years I’ve chopped and changed, not followed something fully and not seen results so changed to something else. It’s obviously not going to work but when you are reaching desperation for a quick fix while your age starts to push your metabolism down. I’ve long let go of that quick fix and took a good hard look at my self esteem instead. Thats the problem here not the speed at which I lose weight. I’m not going to say what that plan is but it’s likely I’ll be stricter with myself to start with and get myself back on track then relax a little. One thing I’ve learnt about myself is that I need structure and routine when it comes for food. My focus here is nourishment not punishment. I want to write more about that in another post but it’s going to be the key to my food thoughts this year.

NourishmentNOTPunishment, nourishment, punishment, food, happiness, eating disorder, ED,

 Part of my words to live by is reflection. As a nurse its key to my practice but I rarely do it outside of here and I’ve spent a lot of time doing it over the last few weeks it’s pretty much all I’ve done. I’ve reflected on whats worked for me and what hasn’t, what helped me commit to a happier, healthier life and what didn’t. I’ve got a much clearer idea of what’s going on with me now in mind body and spirit, it’s driven a lot of my words to live by actually. I feel good when I eat a largely plant and protein based food set, I feel good when I work out, these things have contributed to happy me and smaller me and need to become habit. Happier me usually leads to smaller me as a by product and that is why I’m focussing on happiness.

Contentment and gratitude will be a key part of my life now as well as peace. Peace is so important in a world which constantly sells busy as the ultimate goal, I’m taking steps to give myself moments of peace, I’m charging my phone downstairs so I’m not bombarded with things as soon as I wake up, I’ve done it for about a week already and it’s proving a great way to wake up and generally through the day I’m feeling far less attached to my telephone and more focussed on the world around me. Order comes in here too, I’ve been sorting through things, getting rid of clothes that I don’t wear, sorting through clothes that just don’t fit right now, trying to organise disorganised spaces in my home.

All in all, in a nutshell, this year is about habits not targets. It’s about what I have not what I want. It’s about growing rather than shrinking in a lot of ways. It’s about really embracing who I am and what I want. 

New Year, New Me, Blah Blah Blah….

It’s that time of year again isn’t it. Christmas brings out indulgence, go on you’ve earnt it, new year brings out new me type ideals, the fresh new year laid out ahead of ourselves fresh and clean full of unwritten potential, it’s a beautiful thing but do we ever learn? Last Year I posted this on instagram.

A photo posted by Rebecca (@beccarockslife) on

It still speaks to me. I know that I have a lot to tackle next year. I’m going to lose my grandmother, the lynch pin of my family and my surrogate mother, but if she taught me anything being strong, being loving and being open to new things is what I need to take forward with me in to 2016. So I have a new idea.

I’m not setting any goals.
I’m not making resolutions.
SMART has gone out the window.
I’m not signing up for any challenges.
I’m not running anything.
I’m just going to live my life the way I want to.


I’ll talk about what that entails in another post but I want to talk about the why rather than the what today. I’ve been trying to figure out the past year, unmuddle it because a lot of it is muddled in my brain. I’ve gained more, and weigh more, than I have since 2011. I’m massively frustrated by this however am seemingly unable to bring myself back on track. My self esteem is poor however I’ve been genuinely happy. None of it seems to make sense. No cause and effect. I had a very busy life, I’ve moved, I’ve started a new job, but then I’ve done that before. When I talked about the beginning I noticed that even when my life was very tumultuous I managed to stay on track, but now I can’t. In that I talked about doing all the things but having no defined plan, overcomplicated approach at weight loss but I think, while that’s true, I’ve missed the point about life.

Life is about living how you want to live. Life is about moments, experiences and emotions. It’s about gaining something every day be it a bit of knowledge or a smidge of self esteem, and sometimes it might be about taking a step towards something you want in life, but then if you live your life in the way that makes you happy the rest of your goals should just happen because they’ll be reflective of the life I want to lead.

So I’m going to be making myself some rules to live by, not many, just a few, but I want to follow them every single day and I want to see, at the end of 2016, whether they’ve made a difference to my life. I’ll update soon with what those rules are.

Back to the Beginning

At the weekend I was having a little down time, I’d not been feeling well but the last two weekends we’d been busy (which was lovely and amazing as I got to hang with my Devon bestie and my family) and I decided to have a look at the beginning.

 

I’m still working on the refresh of this little space, and I wanted to really see which posts I was going to keep and what I wanted to clear out, broken links and all that jazz. I started to read a few posts from the beginning. I’d forgotten how many false starts there had been, how many diets that lasted a week, how I struggled over days and how hard it was to get started, and then when it all fell in to place and it made me think about a number of things, including how different my life is now.

I noticed that back then at the start I lapsed every couple of days, I guess I can measure success in the amount of times between falling face first into pizza. I’ve improved my knowledge of nutrition immensely and my diet has moved on massively. I no longer rely on eating cereal to get me through the day or shakes or working out for 3 hours and feeling proud enough of myself to eat some chocolate.

Then I did the work on myself, I improved my self esteem massively, and then things started to fall in to place. One thing I really noticed was that no matter what was happening in my life (two moves, separation etc etc) I stuck mostly to plan. I lost weight fairly consistently for the first 2 stone (28 lbs). The thing is a little information can be a bad thing, and I think I tied myself in knots trying to understand how I could lose weight faster, smarter, healthier. I’ve lost sight of just feeling better and that’s what I had at the beginning.


Thats not to say I’m abandoning what I’ve learnt, as I creep closer to my starting weight than my goal weight I need to change the tide. I’m not happy at this weight and I’ve realised that my self esteem took quite a battering over the last few years and while it’s recovering I need to work at that just as hard as I need to work on my weight. So right now I’m not going to focus on weight, I’m going to focus on how the food I’m eating makes me feel, and I’m confident that that will start to see me change the tide of weight increase. I need to plan better, I definitely need to care for myself better, but I understand my schedule and the demands of my work now, I can cope with them and build my routine around them.

I’m almost relieved to be starting again in a way. It feels like a fresh slate, to go with my very different life. 

Its Just A Joke

Humour has been a hot topic in our house this week. I can have quite a sarcastic, dark, dry, sharp sense of humour, it comes from my life experiences, the humour of my father, my work, and Oliver can have a similar one too. It works well a lot of the time but in one area of my life we’re having to re evaluate how we use it.

I make a lot of jokes at my own expense

Cause just like fat amy I wanna get in there before the twig bitches. And before people start screaming about equality here, the term twig bitches is reserved for those women who are thin, bitches, and are mean to chubby girls. I had years of people making barbed comments, at one job even people singing songs about me for a good old giggle amongst themselves, and they weren’t nearly as subtle as they thought either, I’ve had jokes made at my expense by groups of people, abuse hurled at me on the street and in clubs, even had ex partners family members use my weight to have a laugh at my expense and ex partners tell me I’m embarrassing too, all incidents where “humour” was used to humiliate me.

Then I’ve just carried on the role, I self embarrass, self humiliate, I put myself down before anyone else can because for some reason it’s not quite as painful as if someone else did it for me. We are all encouraged to be able to laugh at ourselves, if we can’t we aren’t fun, we have no sense of humour, but when you’re the butt of the joke all the time, even from yourself it can become a pretty negative habit. I’ve nicknamed myself lots of unpleasant things over the years, jabba, chunk, heffer, and I’ve come to the conclusion that it has to stop.

 

I feel a bit like I’m at the beginning of my journey a bit, I’ve let how I see and understand myself slip into old habits, habits of hating my body rather than respecting it, punishing it because its worthless rather than rewarding it for being amazing.

I sincerely believe this to be true. No one has never been as mean to myself as I have, and it hits me harder not less when I do it to myself, cause frankly if other people need to pull me down then they’ve got more problems than me. I can throw their comments away where as my own I have to carry with me wherever I go. You can’t escape my own thoughts and criticisms.

I need to make some changes. I’m going to talk more about it in another post but I need the beginning to be now, not January the 1st. Cause a month and a half could do me a lot of damage the way I am right now, however I know better these days than to throw myself down the mega restrictive route. In a way it’s easier and harder for me that way, easier because there is something to follow (and something to fail at) and harder because I know the outcome, stress and failure. So I’m just going to bring it back a bit but gently and remind myself that it’s my sons birthday and Christmas coming up.

I need to make some changes across the board, but the first thing on the list is to be a bit kinder to myself. 

Healthy Smile Recipe!

I spoke the other day about Simply Health giving me a run down of healthy foods for a healthy smile and that they provided me some gorgeous yummy organic food to go with it.

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Well we had a great time devouring all the food but I tried out one recipe in particular that I thought I’d share with you.

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 These potatoes are quick and easy to make but pack a massive great taste served with simple spinach, walnuts, or celery.

You will need (for 2 servings) 

2 Baking Potatoes
1 packet of cornish brown crab
Some strong cheese
1/2 tbsp Dried Paprika
1/2 tbsp Chilli Powder
2 cloves Garlic finely crushed or 1 tbsp Garlic powder
1/2 tbsp Dried Oregano
1/2 tbsp Cayenne Pepper
1/2 tbsp Dried Thyme

What you need to do with it:

Prick the potatoes and bake in the oven at 220C for around 30 minutes. You could oil up the outsides if you like them crispy.

Mix the thyme, cayenne, oregano, chilli powder and paprika together in a small bowl to create a spice blend, you could alter the amounts of the spices to suit your taste. Add the garlic powder or if using fresh garlic toss it in to a frying pan in some coconut oil or other cooking fat.

Add the crab meat to the frying pan and lightly fry on a low temperature. While that’s cooking grate some cheese, how much of it is all down to how you like your cheese.

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Once your potatoes are baked, take them out of the oven and chop them in half. Carefully scoop out the inside of the potatoes in to a bowl. Add a tablespoon or two of the spice blend and the crab to the potato bowl and mix together. Fill the potatoes with the mix and sprinkle cheese on top of it.

Pop them back in the oven for a further 10-15 minutes until the cheese is lovely and melted.

Nom away.

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Superfoods for your Smile

 

Our smile can change our face completely, it tells the world something about how we are feeling and how we see the world around us. I know I for one hid my smile for a long time, paranoid about how it looked, were my teeth white enough, would it make my face look wider, I hated my teeth – and my smile – for a long time. These days I laugh a lot more, smile broadly and feel like my happiness shows.

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My smile is far from perfect and I’m still working hard to be happy with it, so when Simply Health gave me the opportunity to try out some organic food that could benefit my smile,  you may have seen on my Instagram a little while ago I had a delivery of Able and Cole food

A photo posted by Rebecca (@beccarockslife) on


Obviously food plays a massive part of our mouth health, we all make the connection between sugar and fillings but for a while there we thought cutting down on sweeties would do it, but then fruit and fruit juice came under the microscope, it’s always more complex than we first think isn’t it?  I don’t know about you but I wasn’t all that sure about what the good things actually were good for your smile, and Simply Health have finally enlightened me!

I decided to cook up a recipe using some mouth friendly foods from my lovely packs of organic food and I’ll post that recipe in the next day or so! 

After the last one.

So in my last post I talked about getting weight loss surgery. It’s not an easy choice at all, I’ve been digesting my decision ever since I made it and I’m still certain it’s the right thing, however I’m not certain it’s actually going to happen.

You see in the UK we have this amazing health service. I genuinely believe that, it means that surgeries that could be considered “cosmetic” or “elective” have to meet certain thresholds, totally as it should when it’s coming from collective pockets, I don’t think, having done a little research, that I meet those thresholds. My BMI isn’t big enough, ironically I would have to gain weight to have the surgery to lose weight. Honestly, it’s not worth my health to do that, both mentally or physically.

So where now. I’m still going to seek surgery, I’ve read a tonne about it, I know it’s not the easy way out, you still have to diet, workout, it’s just that due to physical restrictions on your body, you manage to achieve those losses quicker. It’s funny really cause I’ve never been a “get rich quick” girl in any way except for weight loss, since I was in my early teens I’ve had this need to lose weight, no matter how, I’ve starved, binged and purged, I’ve severely restricted food groups, I’ve calorie counted, I’ve tried moderation, slimming world, weight watchers, Cambridge, cabbage soup, it goes on and on and on…

P.S I have the biggest girl crush on Emma Stone. She’s epic.

I’m so fed up with it. I’ve not managed to be consistent on anything ever. Call it a lack of self control, lack of emotional regulation, call it laziness, I don’t care anymore what it is, I need to figure out how I can move past it. I’m probably the happiest I’ve ever been in my adult life, I have some heavy life stuff going on but I think tbh there will always be something. Some reason why I “can’t” do it. Don’t get me wrong, I am being kind to myself, I understand I have some serious things in my life right now, but I have to handle them without food. Food is not a comfort nor is it a reward. I need to find other ways to do things and celebrate.

I’m feeling more settled in my work right now, it’s long hours, it can be exhausting but I’m finding I’m less worn out on my days off now so I can start getting more fitness in, there’s so many things I want to do but I do feel I’m being held back by my weight. So the weight is coming off. With or without surgery.

Just need to find a plan now.