Eating Feelings

So I weighed in yesterday, my first week with fat club (slimming world) and I was down 2.5lbs. I was feeling better, lighter, thought I could even see a little different so I was a little disappointed which is ridiculous. I was dreaming of some awesome big number but it wasn’t to be. Then that afternoon, my partner, my only love, had to go to work away for the week. I felt deflated, I felt fat as could be and I wanted to eat. Instead of celebrating my loss I was whining that it wasn’t enough but I’m not sure what would have been. I have to adjust my expectations. 2.5 lbs is a great loss. I should be happy.

People who don’t do this always have trouble understanding it, from professionals to the individuals, its all a mystery if you don’t do it. Some people can’t eat when stressed, there is only one time in my life that this has ever happened to me, I was bereaved three times in two weeks and I was already going through hell. I lost a 12 lbs in those two weeks. That was once my normal response to emotions is to get ahold of them and shove them down with food.

It took me a long time to really come to terms with the idea that I didn’t allow myself to feel emotions, I stuffed them down because they were uncomfortable for me and for those around me, I didn’t really feel that if I let them out anyone would be there to catch me. Now I feel very strongly supported, and they’ve started to leak out every now and again, I’m learning that I can express myself without fear of being dumped or disciplined. Thats a nice feeling, but trying to explain to someone who has these functions naturally is like trying to explain why breathing is hard.

The best way I can think to describe it is like a bit like when you’ve got a water balloon above you on a hot day, you want to cool down so want to get some of the water out but you don’t want to get drenched. So you poke a hole in it but the risk is by letting that little trickle out with that little hole you might end up bursting the whole thing. Sometimes I feel like I’m poking a little hole and letting stuff come out and instead a whole deluge bursts out and suddenly I’m frozen and in shock.

I tend to bottle things up, the trouble with that is they have to come out somehow but in the past I’ve always pushed it inside and held it down with pizza. What I’ve been doing gently over the past few years is managing how I express myself and WHO I express myself too. Thats a lesson I’ve learnt by being rejected, hurt and rebuffed, some people cannot be compassionate, cannot cope with other peoples emotions or simply do not get it, so they aren’t people I talk to about things, I talk to people who get it, I talk to people who understand and who are willing to listen, and it’s been a hard lesson to know that some people love you but don’t want to share that stuff and that’s ok.

I feel so much stronger for the things I’ve learned which in turn has allowed me to show that I can be weak sometimes, overwhelmed, that I struggle when I feel unloved, that I can be needy in my insecure moments and that sometimes I struggle to see that I’ll come through the other side, also that all of my little quirks are fine. The people who love me love me anyway.


I’ll still eat my feelings sometimes, but hopefully I’ll let them leak out to the right people as well and gradually I wont need to shove them down so much.

Fear of Commitment

Tomorrow I join the first slimming group that I’ve joined in a very long time. When I started this journey I started with slimming world, and as I restart my story I feel like it’s time for me to seek some support. I considered OA but I couldn’t get my head around the religious element. It wasn’t for me.

I don’t need a group. I want one.

I’m living in an area where I really don’t know anyone besides my partner, child and my partners family. I need to get out more! I found a group next door to my gym so gym gear on for group and then on to the gym after group, keep that good feeling going. In the past I’ve used weigh in day as a chance to eat whatever I wanted and I want to avoid that this time, being more balanced and allowing myself to have a rounded diet through the week and make this sustainable.

That old chestnut, this has to be lifestyle change.


Once I get going I’ll gradually improve my diet to a “cleaner” diet, for now I need to be flexible and healthy for myself.

I’m actually a bit scared, going to a group, being hopeful even, is commitment. I have to make a commitment for myself, and to myself and I’m more than a little bit worried. I’ve not felt that I deserve that commitment for a long time, I’m not sure that I still do but I feel like me 6 years ago, except my life is happy, there’s no situational downers right now, I love my life (other than it being a little lonely, having a few stresses and painfully missing my bestie).

Commitment is a tough thing really. Saying to yourself you’re going to put your goals first and nothing will derail that after years of doing the same thing to damage yourself. I was quite committed to destroying myself for a long time, for all the crimes that I thought I’d committed and other people told me I had committed,  so being committed to building myself up is tough.

It’s a start though isn’t it? Saying it out loud.

Rewriting the Ending

In January I made the decision to end this weight loss blog, I said I wasn’t writing anymore, that it was making me worse, that it wasn’t helping any longer. Truth was I was burnt out by blogging.

Trying to keep up with blogs
Trying to comment on blogs
Trying to connect with readers
Trying to post every day
Trying to fit in to a blogging community
Trying to fit in to life
Trying to always be successful no mater what
Trying to live a hectic life with lots of other important things happening whilst doing all this ^

I had A LOT going on in my life. I felt more miserable every time I hit post and honestly I didn’t even like what I was writing anymore. Repetitive and defeatist had overwhelmed me. I felt like I couldn’t turn it around and I thought it was just blogging I’d lost the spark for.

Then I started to get better at everything else. I was suffering with depression, a side effect of some medication I was taking for migraines and epilepsy, once they stopped it suddenly lifted, like the sun came up, the change in me was remarkable. Life still had pressures but I gained some resilience however I’d done some damage.

I gained a lot of weight.
I lost a lot of self respect.

So those are the things I’m going to start turning around here, positively and with a few rules.

I wont be posting unless I’ve got something to say, sometimes that’ll be daily, other times weekly, and thats ok.
I am going to try and keep it positive, even when I do things that aren’t in my goals best interests, I’m human.
I am not going to kill myself to make every post perfect.
I am just going to write. What I want. How I want. When I want. If no one reads it thats ok too (that said I like you lot a lot so would like it if you did)

On Monday (convenient eh?) I am joining a slimming group (a whole world apparently) and you know, I was kinda embarrassed about it. Largely I don’t like stuff like this, I don’t like groups, I hate rigid plans, and I  have firm and fixed ideas about “low fat”, but I’ve decided not to be embarrassed. I’ve decided to show that I need support right now, I need to find new friends because I know no one here, and I need a structure, but most of all I need to commit. I need to lay it all out on the table and just say I’m committed to losing weight.

I’m committed to a healthier me.

I’m not going to be eating some of the stuff I’m “allowed” on the plan because it’s not in my healthy but that’s fine too. I’m going to start my give it 100 challenge that I’ve been doing on instagram on Monday and I will give slimming world 100 days, dedicated, committed 100 days. How about that? Ok, I’m scared by the commitment but there it is.

Until next time.

Heart & Soul

I always think that when you write a blog you always have to put your heart and soul into it. For me, a lot of things have changed so so much over the past 2 years. I’ve changed. I feel like I’m writing an “It’s not you, it’s me” letter to my blog but I kinda am I guess, it’s also an “theres someone else letter”.

First the its-not-you-it’s-me. This blog has had a focus on weight loss, it from the start was going to document my changing body, and my body has changed massively,

At the end of last year it was here, it’s not anymore.

❤️ my new top but not the most awkward picture ever

A photo posted by Rebecca (@beccarockslife) on

Is it where I want it to be? No, but I’m a lot further forward than I was, an that’s post Christmas gain too. What I’ve been thinking, for around 6 months actually is, that this blog, while its come a long way, just isn’t helping any more, it isn’t about what I’m about anymore, it doesn’t suit who I am now.   Thing is I really have changed. I’ve gradually become myself again. I’ve stripped back the layers of protection that I’d built around me and I’m allowing my partner, my friends and my family to protect me and support me now and the barriers that used to be there don’t need to be anymore because I don’t need them anymore. Life is different for me now and so is my perspective. Life doesn’t feel like a war and nor does weight loss because it’s just not my main focus anymore. I’ve finally got to the genuine point in my life where losing weight is an indicator that I’m getting the rest of my lifestyle right and that’s more important.   I’ve not made resolutions this year. I’ve not felt the need to because nothings changed at all. I still want the same things I’ve always wanted and that kinda makes me sad so I’ve not wanted to write them down. What I am doing is making a plan, step by step, month by month. Being here allowed me to explore a lot of things, lock them up in boxes and leave them behind bit by bit. My baggage is here. What it also did is open me up to a world of people, it taught me not all people are close minded, that they aren’t all judgemental, even when they think they aren’t, that they aren’t all full of shit  that some people genuinely care. Some people I’ve met through blogging have become my very best friends. I can’t even begin to explain how much I think of what this blog and those people have done for me, but recently coming back here, writing here, being in this space has been like coming home to a bad relationship which I know is over. I’ve moved on and it doesn’t help to be here any more but I come here because I’ve not been ready to cut the ties yet. I’ve realised though, those ties have become more than this blog, they exist far outside of this blog. When I read Fit and Free Emilys reasons for leaving blogging it was like a light switched on in my head, we are so alike, being here kept me focussed on weight loss instead of on my life, a life which was giving me some pretty amazing things lately.

A photo posted by Rebecca (@beccarockslife) on


I’ve so many exciting things ahead of me in 2015 and this is partly where the I’ve-found-someone-else part comes in. Oliver, Charlie and I have started a new project together, Gingerkicks.com (A mix of ginger the food and a nod to ollys hair, and kicks like trainers and the kick from chilli). It feels so much like me right now and although it’s in its infancy that means its so great, it feels like the me that I buried long ago, the positive me, the one that doesn’t need assurance, doesn’t need validation, I just want to live my life and share what makes me happy.

So this is goodbye to Weight Wars, because it made me happy, it pushed me through unhappiness to happiness, I learnt to believe in myself here, I learnt to let go of things here, and that’s been a lesson which has been one of the most important of my life.

If you want to stay in my touch, believe me I want you to and I want to be in touch with you if I’m not already, please follow me

I’m here:

Facebook Page – I’m not sure I’ll keep this but for now I will, I’ll post stuff I see.
Twitter
Instagram
Pinterest
Occasionally My Fitness Pal

If you want to follow Gingerkicks, and I want you to so much, then we are all over the web,

Facebook
Twitter
Instagram
Pinterest
Youtube
Bloglovin
Google+

Thank you so much, for helping me move forward so much in my life. It’s been such a journey, an amazing journey which has brought me a very long way and to a place where I can honestly say I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.

Thank you.

Why I’m going to be doing the Whole Life Challenge again

During the last Whole Life Challenge I didn’t feel like I did all that great but on reflection I didn’t do badly at all, some technical errors with the site made it laborious at times and I began to lose hope when my medication affected my physical health making exercise all but impossible like I explained previously so it might seem a little bit crazy to be signing up again for the January challenge. If you fancy joining up I highly recommend it. They have sorted the technical problems now, it truly is a flexible challenge and you can read all about it here.

Here is why though and there’s a few reasons.

It doesn’t start on January 1st. 

Statistically January 1st is the absolute worst time to start anything, causation, correlation, who knows, but it it said it is and I can believe it. The challenge starts January 17th and lasts for 55 days. Not a quick fix.

I’m not QUITE as busy then as I was last time. 

I won’t lie, as the challenge goes on my schedule will only get busier but I should be embedded into it then. I’m hoping that my schedule from the end of February will be kinder to me and I will be able to maintain any progress I make in the first half of the challenge. Optimism people.

I know kinda what I’m doing this time. 

Last time was just a test run. Ahem.

I want to challenge myself again. 

Cause it’s fun to challenge yourself, Olly will be joining me in the challenge too. I’m hoping that I’ll be able to have medical clearance to exercise again but if not I’ll be able do some light duties and make sure I’m religious about them. What I can when I can. My motto for 2015.

 

 

 

Unravelling 2015

Every year I reflect on my year behind me and take part in Suzannah Conways wonderful Unravelling workbook, it’s a great way to structure your reflections and your plans for the year ahead.

Unravelling gets you to reflect with awareness and intention and that gives you the power to really centre yourself at what is probably a busy time and give yourself the space to really understand where you’ve been and where you want to go forward into 2015. It asks you to think about things you embraced, things you let go of, things you changed, things you discovered and things you were most grateful for in 2014 amongst other things. It gets you thinking about what could have held you back and what pushed you forwards, what you achieved, how your life has changed and it structures what you could be doing in 2015 using what you’ve learnt from your reflection.

 

It genuinely just takes a couple of hours and I’ve found it useful year on year, it’s made me think about things in a whole different light these last few years as my marriage became difficult and my life painful, and as those pains started to drift away and new challenges presented themselves. It’s helped me recognise my successes above my failures, my loves above my losses and my gratitude’s above my wants.

I recommend you look at it, try it, it may be a new idea but even if you just write a few words for each question you might just find it helpful. I’ll be using it to structure my reflection posts at the end of the year.

Merry Christmas All

It’s Christmas Eve, and all through our house, we are all exhausted from busy days and an excited boy, we have nibbles galore and a twinkling tree and we are snug in our house and thankful for how lucky we are.

I wanted to say thank you, for all your support this year, it’s been a magical year for me, there’s been times of heartbreak and times that have seemed impossibly hard but then there’s been times which have restored my faith in humanity and has put such fire and hope in my heart for the future.

A lot of my perspective has changed, I live my life in a very different way now, with a different perspective and a different lifestyle, I’m softer, and it’s changed my life, I trust more and I hurt less, I love more and hold grudges less, I forgive more and care about others opinions less. It’s working for me a lot. My year has been overwhelmingly positive when I look back at it, even though it’s felt so challenging at times, overwhelmingly it’s been full of love and how could I feel anything but good about that?

The One With The Massive Surprise & The Full Story

I interrupt our usual scheduled Monday post with the full story of my weekend for you. For those of you are my personal facebook page you’ll already know the news that a rather surprising thing happened to me at the weekend but we will get to that in a minute.

This weekend was my usual pre Christmas visit to the Eden Project in Cornwall, Charlie and I always visit Santa at Eden, it’s where his Base Camp is, he keeps his reindeer there while he prepares for Christmas and his elves sort out their side of things in the weeks before Christmas too. In addition to all this we decided to ice skate in the most beautiful rink. Friday night we decided to check out the new accommodation that the Eden Project has opened, made from recycled shipping containers they are small but perfectly formed 4 person accommodation.

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 First thing the next day we headed straight down to Eden and hit the Ice Rink with our friends daughters, our friends took up the position of photographers at the side of the rink with Ollie.

We had a grand old time, sadly Ollie couldn’t manage to skate as he had a bit of an upset stomach and couldn’t risk the ice, so he stood on the side and cheered us on with the camera and a cup of coffee.

We did a trail to collect magic pop corn to speed up the reindeer on their magic Christmas eve flight all through the med biome and then up to visit the Reindeer themselves!

Then headed for a lovely lunch, which Ollie didn’t partake in, but we did manage to snap a bit of a selfie which Emmas hand photobombed.

After Lunch it was Santa time! We love Santa at the Eden project, it’s genuinely magical, the Elves are real Elves, Santa is epic and it’s all in a beautiful yurt with a really great open fire and beautifully decorated surroundings, I’ve said many times before that Eden at Christmas is my favourite place on earth. It’s the best Santa I’ve ever been to, and we go every year now, its the first time Ollie has ever managed to visit.

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Then we get to the surprise. Which was a surprise to only me apparently as everyone else was in on the surprise, including the staff, my friends and my surprisingly-good-at-secrets-son Charlie. Only the other guests of Santa didn’t know until the moment that it happened. Ollie had sought Charles’ blessing the week before when I’d been out shopping with my friend, and he spoke with my parents too after speaking with Charlie. He roped in my best friend Emma to help with planning and ring picking although he was confident he knew what I wanted as I’m not a girl who doesn’t know what she likes!

If you want to see the whole thing my lovely friend managed to film it although you can’t hear what Ollies saying to me you can see the shock register on my face, mostly as the first thing that registered with me was that Santa spoke to Ollie and referred to him by name which completely threw me! While I was busy processing that surprise Ollie was down on one knee telling me that since he met me his life had changed and how we’d changed each other and made each other reach for great things and pushed each other to our dreams and achieve amazing things, how I’d trusted him with my most precious heart, not my own but Charlie’s.

Yup. One massive huge surprise! and a beautiful ring. He couldn’t have got it more perfect. Please excuse my wrinkly granny hands, it comes from using alcohol gel through flu season constantly and not moisturising enough! No flu here though!

After the shock had calmed down a little and I’d been able to pull myself together we got our things and exited the basecamp after the elves gave us a few chocolates and a few hugs! We went and demolished a few glasses of bubbly (only the one for me as I was driving later on) which our friends had hidden away in their bag! By the time we had finished with that we found our way to the rainforest dome where we had the most magical experience, a trail of Christmas memories  brought to us by a ship wrecked Christmas ark.

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The best part of which is we got to experience snow in the rainforest. Actual snow. In a rainforest. Who gets to do that?!?

Amazing no?

It was really magic. Charlie and his lovely bestie Alice had an amazing day together, he was over the moon that Ollie and I are now engaged and he’s so incredibly happy that he no longer has to keep a secret from me! After our trek in the rainforest we wandered back to see the Reindeer one last time and up to the gift shop and off for some dinner with our lovely friends. Eden looks beautiful lit up at night. The domes on the left are the rainforest, the right are the Mediterranean and the marquee at the front left is the ice rink (for reference).

We had dinner at the awesome Mimis in St Austell, an epic place to stop post Eden Project for burgers (except poor Ollie again!) and then headed home, exhausted but so very happy.

 Thank you to everyone on my facebook, twitter and instagram who have given us well wishes and congratulations, we are all beyond happy and Ollie is on the mend now, we hope to celebrate together over the Christmas period and with our families. A huge thank you to The Eden Project events team for helping Ollie to orchestrate such a special proposal which for so many reasons, which I can’t begin to explain here, have made my life.

Have a very Merry Christmas yourselves with your loved ones too.