So I weighed in yesterday, my first week with fat club (slimming world) and I was down 2.5lbs. I was feeling better, lighter, thought I could even see a little different so I was a little disappointed which is ridiculous. I was dreaming of some awesome big number but it wasn’t to be. Then that afternoon, my partner, my only love, had to go to work away for the week. I felt deflated, I felt fat as could be and I wanted to eat. Instead of celebrating my loss I was whining that it wasn’t enough but I’m not sure what would have been. I have to adjust my expectations. 2.5 lbs is a great loss. I should be happy.
People who don’t do this always have trouble understanding it, from professionals to the individuals, its all a mystery if you don’t do it. Some people can’t eat when stressed, there is only one time in my life that this has ever happened to me, I was bereaved three times in two weeks and I was already going through hell. I lost a 12 lbs in those two weeks. That was once my normal response to emotions is to get ahold of them and shove them down with food.
It took me a long time to really come to terms with the idea that I didn’t allow myself to feel emotions, I stuffed them down because they were uncomfortable for me and for those around me, I didn’t really feel that if I let them out anyone would be there to catch me. Now I feel very strongly supported, and they’ve started to leak out every now and again, I’m learning that I can express myself without fear of being dumped or disciplined. Thats a nice feeling, but trying to explain to someone who has these functions naturally is like trying to explain why breathing is hard.
The best way I can think to describe it is like a bit like when you’ve got a water balloon above you on a hot day, you want to cool down so want to get some of the water out but you don’t want to get drenched. So you poke a hole in it but the risk is by letting that little trickle out with that little hole you might end up bursting the whole thing. Sometimes I feel like I’m poking a little hole and letting stuff come out and instead a whole deluge bursts out and suddenly I’m frozen and in shock.
I tend to bottle things up, the trouble with that is they have to come out somehow but in the past I’ve always pushed it inside and held it down with pizza. What I’ve been doing gently over the past few years is managing how I express myself and WHO I express myself too. Thats a lesson I’ve learnt by being rejected, hurt and rebuffed, some people cannot be compassionate, cannot cope with other peoples emotions or simply do not get it, so they aren’t people I talk to about things, I talk to people who get it, I talk to people who understand and who are willing to listen, and it’s been a hard lesson to know that some people love you but don’t want to share that stuff and that’s ok.
I feel so much stronger for the things I’ve learned which in turn has allowed me to show that I can be weak sometimes, overwhelmed, that I struggle when I feel unloved, that I can be needy in my insecure moments and that sometimes I struggle to see that I’ll come through the other side, also that all of my little quirks are fine. The people who love me love me anyway.