Last week I wrote about wanting the perfect week, WLC style anyway, and the week that followed was far from perfect. It went well for around 4 days, the rest not so good.
Like I said it started well, I was racking up the perfect scores for a few days and then something happened, I started to care less about it and I drifted in to bad habits as a stressful, busy and emotional week took hold once again. Today (Monday) I feel cross with myself. We are nearly half way through the challenge and I don’t feel like I’ve made any progress with my weight. I’m pretty sure I’m maintaining, I’m not gaining, clothes fit fine and things aren’t too bad in the bloating area but I should be losing and my score reflects the reason why. I’m dropping nutrition points left right and centre which can’t continue but I think my reasons are different from usual but there are themes.
Largely I’m starting to develop a different attitude to my life and its changed beyond recognition in recent years, I’m adjusting to my new body, I’m fitting in to smaller clothes and I’m enjoying the life I’m building for myself and my family. I’m enjoying life even though I have countless things happening which cause ongoing stress.
Someone quite wise told me that I can’t keep going in every direction at 100 mph, I have to give myself some time to adjust, understand and find my way in one direction, it’s imperative now that I don’t get lost and have to walk over the same ground all over again. I want to enjoy my life and the never ending pressure to lose weight (that I put on myself more than anything) doesn’t help me enjoy my life. I actually found myself in tears earlier today talking about how worried I was that I’d not be able to workout enough and concentrate on my food enough to lose weight while in the busiest few months of the year (Oct – Dec) and next year when I know there will be a considerable further upheaval. I need to change how I’m thinking about these things and I’m starting to but it means that lots of other things are going to have to change and the wheels are starting to turn for that to happen.
I’m undergoing some therapy at the moment to sort out some things that happened in the past, its a kind of trauma based therapy and it is kicking up some dust in my brain, it’s quite confronting at times. It leaves me exhausted afterwards. I am trying not to use food to prop me up during that after shock but it’s hard, I wont lie. It’s been a comfort and a habit for a long time and I’m trying to direct my energy elsewhere. One thing that it’s thrown up is my value of myself. In so many ways its massively improved from what it was. I didn’t realise quite how bad it still was until things that I didn’t even realise were a reflection of my self worth until I started being challenged by an outsider.
So things will be changing, I really have to allow for what I need now and not what I want. Thats a shift in focus for me, I’ve always chased what I’ve wanted, what I need to do right now is really think about my needs and meet them fully. Thats my focus for this week.