Humour has been a hot topic in our house this week. I can have quite a sarcastic, dark, dry, sharp sense of humour, it comes from my life experiences, the humour of my father, my work, and Oliver can have a similar one too. It works well a lot of the time but in one area of my life we’re having to re evaluate how we use it.
I make a lot of jokes at my own expense
Cause just like fat amy I wanna get in there before the twig bitches. And before people start screaming about equality here, the term twig bitches is reserved for those women who are thin, bitches, and are mean to chubby girls. I had years of people making barbed comments, at one job even people singing songs about me for a good old giggle amongst themselves, and they weren’t nearly as subtle as they thought either, I’ve had jokes made at my expense by groups of people, abuse hurled at me on the street and in clubs, even had ex partners family members use my weight to have a laugh at my expense and ex partners tell me I’m embarrassing too, all incidents where “humour” was used to humiliate me.
Then I’ve just carried on the role, I self embarrass, self humiliate, I put myself down before anyone else can because for some reason it’s not quite as painful as if someone else did it for me. We are all encouraged to be able to laugh at ourselves, if we can’t we aren’t fun, we have no sense of humour, but when you’re the butt of the joke all the time, even from yourself it can become a pretty negative habit. I’ve nicknamed myself lots of unpleasant things over the years, jabba, chunk, heffer, and I’ve come to the conclusion that it has to stop.
I feel a bit like I’m at the beginning of my journey a bit, I’ve let how I see and understand myself slip into old habits, habits of hating my body rather than respecting it, punishing it because its worthless rather than rewarding it for being amazing.
I sincerely believe this to be true. No one has never been as mean to myself as I have, and it hits me harder not less when I do it to myself, cause frankly if other people need to pull me down then they’ve got more problems than me. I can throw their comments away where as my own I have to carry with me wherever I go. You can’t escape my own thoughts and criticisms.
I need to make some changes. I’m going to talk more about it in another post but I need the beginning to be now, not January the 1st. Cause a month and a half could do me a lot of damage the way I am right now, however I know better these days than to throw myself down the mega restrictive route. In a way it’s easier and harder for me that way, easier because there is something to follow (and something to fail at) and harder because I know the outcome, stress and failure. So I’m just going to bring it back a bit but gently and remind myself that it’s my sons birthday and Christmas coming up.
I need to make some changes across the board, but the first thing on the list is to be a bit kinder to myself.