Healthy is one of the most subjective phrases in blogging I think I’ve ever seen, what I may consider healthy has evolved over the years from following a well known diet club plan to Paleo, to a medium place which feels good for me but I find hard to manage. I see bloggers post “Look at this healthy XYZ” food and I think hang on, that’s entirely what “It starts with food” describes as “Sex with your pants on”, it may be made with oats and almond butter and maple syrup but it’s still a dessert, still a sugar fix, it’s not promoting good health it’s helping you make less unhealthy unhealthy choices. I try and be careful about this although I’m sure in the past I’ve failed, I’ve educated myself more since then. If you put “Healthy” in to Pinterest you get all manner of things I’d never consider healthy!
It is harm. Not just physical harm but it plays on my mind afterwards for some time, I get the need to check what the calorie intake was, I punch the numbers in to myfitnesspal to see what the “damage” is. It’s a challenging time after to get myself in the mindset that I’ve not ruined the whole day so I might as well keep going. And you know, this:
Food is a struggle. Eating a salad in a restaurant feels like a waste of going to a restaurant! I’m loathed to do it but its going to have to be the way because every day is real and counts towards my goals and every day will make a difference to or away from them. There are so many things I want to do with my life, I feel like I have an exciting future, I don’t hate myself or my body anymore, so I have to fire up some other way and what I see now is that my body doesn’t reflect who I am and that frustrates me, it shows who I was, what I was trapped in but not what I am now and so for that reason I need it to change. For the most part I don’t feel like a giant monster anymore but sometimes I do get bogged down in my appearance and how this compares with my colleagues and friends, of course I do, but its not my driver anymore, I’m no longer punishing my body with the gym I’m feeding it, Im a much more gentle person now and much more kind to myself and thats a positive thing, I’ve allowed myself to become much more vulnerable and gentle.
I’m going to be setting myself some very ambitious targets next week, some people may not agree thats healthy, but I’m hoping they will allow me to focus myself fully on what lies ahead and find a more middle ground for the long term. It’s something I want to prove to myself that I can do. If I fall down I’ll deal with that along the way but its just one week and it will set me up for many weeks after that. The cravings are going to happen and thats ok. I’m not a failure for having them (as I’ve sometimes felt I was) but it’s not problems that maketh the man it’s how they deal with them.
I’ve decided not to weigh in until the end of the challenge, again people may decided it’s healthier for them to weigh in daily or weekly, I decided that I would rather focus on my habits than the end result, I’ll know if weight is going on or off, I can feel and see it in my body now, it’s intuitive, so I’ll be happy to see a focus on habits rather than outcomes and its far more where my mindset is leading me, it seems a healthy place for me to be.