This whole year I’ve not felt anywhere close to a success and you know what? I’m so sick and tired of it. I’ll be completely honest. As things stand, at time of writing, this whole 10 months of this year I’ve lost 2 lbs. 2. I’m a “weight loss blogger” and I’ve lost 2 lbs in nearly a year and here I am declaring myself a success. I’m sure a few eyebrows will raise and I’m sure a few people who love to throw stones will crawl out of the wood work but I’m going to tell you, those stones will miss me, even if they hit me they aren’t going to hurt. I really don’t care what you think because you know what? I’m not just a weight loss blogger. At my lowest weight this year I’d lost 8lbs.
I’ve cried. I’ve been angry. I’ve been disgusted at myself. I’ve felt a failure. All over those numbers. I’ve felt so much about myself because of those numbers. I’ve felt that I’m useless, that I’m an actual waste of space, because of those numbers but lets just think about that for a second. A waste of space. IF I wasn’t here at all, because I wasn’t taking up that space, would the world lose anything, thankfully I came to the conclusion that it would.
It made me think about the kind of pressure we put on ourselves in society and as bloggers to be the example, to lose weight consistently, to be amazing, I always think of the lovely Fit and Free with Emily (who if you aren’t reading you should be) who is totally awesome but has such similar struggles to me, but her smile still radiates from her page.
Over the past year I’ve built a lasting relationship with a man, it’s taken work, time and commitment, its taken personal development and understanding and reflection, its taken facing up to ghosts of relationships past in order to really understand how to make a relationship work well.
I’ve built a career path that I’m disgustingly and boringly excited for and dedicated too. It takes significant time and it will take precedence over weight loss any day of the week because when I get to my grave I want to be able to say I was compassionate and I made a difference, not that I was a size 12. I’m a 16 now. It still feels massive even though I’m the national average, I get hit on, I am not “abnormal” I don’t think my brains caught up.
I’ve supported my son through some of the toughest days of his little life, which has been emotionally exhausting in itself, he’s emotionally intelligent, smart and compassionate and I’ve built him to be that way by pouring my soul into him.
I have taken control over my money and improved my credit score massively. I’ve managed to move on from mistakes made in the past and gain control over something which I’ve always found very difficult to manage successfully even when sent challenge after challenge.
Over the next year I’ve got more challenges coming my way, I want ot make a name for myself in my career, I want to live, I want to continue to lose weight but without the pressure and without weight loss being the focus, I want to be healthy (that old cliche) and I am probably likely to relocate to another part of the country which is going to throw a whole load of new challenges at me!
There is a thing of discontent brewing here though and I have a plan for that. And that I will talk about very soon.
But you know what. So what if I’ve lost 2lbs this year. I am happy. Happier than I’ve been in so many years. I’m able to see a future for myself and my family that is bright and exciting. I’m able to see what I want to see and feel I have some control over it. I’m not happy right now with my work life balance or the direction that some elements of this journey are taking so some changes are coming. Very soon. One thing I am happy with is you. You people have lifted me through some of the worst and best times of this journey and I am eternally greatful and I’ve met some of the best people I’ve ever met here.